intentions

two posts in one day. im cray.

today I went to a conference where I got to see one of the apostles speak. Elder Ballard has never been an apostle that I was excited to hear speak at general conference. I know. that is horrible. but I cant really remember a talk of his that I really connected with.

until now. he gave a talk today that just made sense to me. the entire conference was great. the speakers really hit a lot of things home for me today, regardless of the fact that the seats we sat in were the most uncomfortable seats imaginable. a few things stood out.

• be attractive. ok. this one was more of a little joke. but it was funny and stood out and I love it and it is true and because an apostle said it.
• help men be gentlemen. expect them to open doors for you. don't let them come over and just eat all your food, achem Mr. Popper.
• where are you facing? I should be always facing the temple. my goal is temple worthiness.

the most thought provoking statement in conference today came from a women who I have no idea who she is. but she asked, "what are you intentions?" that seems like a simple statement. but pair it with something you are doing right now. take, for instance, Mr. Popper. what were my intentions with him? I didn't know, so how I could I have really gone somewhere with it? or even schooling. people can ask what your major is. say you say oh its chemistry. cool. what do you hope to do with that? you say idk. what are your intentions?!?

our Gospel strives to have us be "anxiously engaged in a good cause" (Doctrine and Covenants 58:27). it is not saying to be just engaged in something, but in a good cause. I assume any intention worthwhile should be good. like, your intention should not be murdering or trying to hurt someone in some capacity. there is going to be intent behind "a good cause".

my goal from this conference is to find the intentions in the things I do. if they are "good" then I will continue striving to do that. if the intent is not good, it's out or I need to find a way to make the intention better.



p.s. I did talk to Mr. Popper. I am still digesting the info...update lates. aka later.

found poetry

I learned something in school today. what a delightful thing that is, right? I learned about found poetry. basically, you take phrases from other works and create a poem out of them. for instance, the one I am about to share is from my music library. I went through a lot of my songs and just made a poem. here it is.


All I Want

All I want, long way down.

Wait.

Stay with me, my moon.
When you sleep, pills n potions, strange things will happen.
On this night of a thousand stars,
I’d be surprisingly good for you.

In the morning,

Standing in the way of light.
What am I to you?
Enough for now.
Please don’t leave me.

Falling awake,

Always in my head, recycled air.
Hearts a mess.
One step at a time.
One, two step.
Save me.
I’ll find a way.
Waiting outside the lines.


I realized that this is how I am feeling right now. to me this poem says that I just need someone to mask my loneliness. and isn't that the truth.

so there is a man in my life. we will call him Mr. Popper. Mr. Popper is a great guy. we have been texting and cuddling and even kissing (queue the applause), but we have been on one date. and the date was ....well a bit uncomfortable. at least for me. maybe because I just don't do well in those serious types of situations. I feel weird getting attention on me, like, for me. anywho. Mr. Popper and I are good at communication. before we kissed he told me that he didn't want to just kiss girls if he didn't see something more long term. I can appreciate that because that has been my life motto. but idk why recently that motto has changed for me. probs because my momma told me to just kiss boys. but I appreciated what he had said and accepted it.

then he kissed me. now let me tell you, its been a while in that department. obvi. just read my past blog posts. it felt good. good to be wanted. but that is the thing. I have been struggling this week deciding if I like the feeling of being wanted or if I like the feeling of being wanted by him. specifically him. or would another man do the trick?

we also both expressed how we didn't now if we wanted to date each other exclusively. so we decided to just keep going with this and have fun while figuring things out. so we could date other people. the catalyst to this post, I suppose, is that fact that he told me while we were cuddling that he was going on a date the following day. objectively, I appreciate the honesty. truly I do. but the feeling that came after was sensation of weirdness. like. this is not a normal thing that I want in my life. I don't want to act like I am dating someone and hear about how they want me BUT still want to date other people. our theory of dating people and cuddling/kissing is great, until someone actually goes out on a date with someone else. that is just weird to me. I didn't think it would be weird until it happened. it made me think of this whole situation and why I am really in it. what is my intention with this kind of relationship?

this is what I have come to conclude. this makes me hate this whole process, because he is a great guy. I do have feelings for him, just not enough. at least I don't think. and I am sitting here on the verge of tears because I feel sad for the loss I am about to experience. the loss of someone wanting me. but I also feel like it is the right thing to do. as much as it sucks. I am not here to waste my time or his time.

I am having a hard time putting into words what I am trying to say because I don't even really know what I am trying to think. my head is a fishbowl and the fishes are the thoughts. there are like 1293847 little fishes just racing around in the fishbowl. I cant catch a thought long enough to process it or come to a conclusion of it. I feel crazy.

my deciding factor is that if I don't know now, after a month of talking and conoodling, it is a pretty good indicator of how I actually feel.

I want to be wanted by someone who wants me, not someone who wants me.... and any other girl he fancies.

so with this conclusion, I now have the delight of attempting to communicate something I don't even understand myself. I am going with my gut.

life is just so incredibly strange. wish me luck.

xoxo
kk

extra-ordinary

extraordinary is rather a remarkable word. let us dissect it, yeah?

extra:
adjective - added to an existing or usual amount or number.
adverb - to a greater extent than usual; especially.
noun - an item in addition to what is usual or strictly necessary.

ordinary:
adjective - with no special or distinctive features; normal.
noun - what is commonplace or standard.

extraordinary:
adjective -

very unusual or remarkable.

 

my definition:

pronoun - me.

 

everyone is their own kind of special. and everyone needs to find out for themselves what makes them remarkable.

 

it has taken me a some twenty years to realize that I am extraordinary. I don't mean this to come off as bragging or proudly, but more in the sense that I have a sense of who I am. and I am extraordinary. I have been trying to understand why I have been in a rut of a head game lately. the catalyst was when the merman told me he didn't want me. I wasn't mad at him; per say, I was mad of how I let myself feel and be affected by the rejection. rejection sucks. but it does not define who I am as a person. that night, through tears, I let someone else define me as a person. another person made me let myself feel like I was not of any worth. not his fault. I know I keep reiterating he is not at fault, but I don't want to degrade someone for being honest after I asked for honesty. I am mad at the answer, not the person. I truly hold no grudges.

 

back to me. cause honestly, that's the best topic. #sohumble.

 

I am extraordinary. I don't need someone to confirm or deny my extraordinariness, because I already know I am. extraordinary.

 

a problem with our world is that people, especially young people, are letting others define who they are based on menial things. I am all about people being themselves (caveat: i believe people are inherently good. so if be themselves is something good, i support that). with everyone's own insecurities and doubts who are we to judge other people for their lives? it seems that people focus on others so they don't need to deal with their own shortcomings or struggles. it is always easier to point out someone else's flaws to hide your own. that's called insecurity. trust me. I know that one. and watching someone bully someone else is the easiest way to know they are struggling with something in their own life, whether they know it or not.

 

so how do we fix it?

 

it starts with yourself. I generally do not condone selfishness, but in the case of bettering yourself I wholeheartedly support being selfish (caveat: as long as it does not impede your other responsibilities). I know that when I take care of myself I am in better shape to help others. I can't help someone else unless I can help myself. though sometimes it does take helping someone to help yourself, but that is for a different discussion. the point is. figure out how you are special, remarkable, or extraordinary and hold on to that for dear life. anytime you take one step away from that knowledge is when you doubt it. don't doubt it. find it and keep adding to the list. there is a fine line between humble and boastful. you can be humbly extraordinary.

 

satan is real. it is terrifying how much he knows each and everyone of us. how much he knows our weaknesses. how much he wants us to suffer. if satan had a tangible face, I'd punch it. ok. I wouldn't. but I would give him the shadiest shade of a look I could manage my face to contort to. he is the voice in our heads that says we are not good enough. we are unwanted. undesired. imperfect. fat. old. wrinkly. dumb. a loser. lazy.

 

worthless.

 

but what a lie that is! so much of a lie that it makes me want to run around the streets and shake people and tell them how much they are worth. because they are worth sooooo much it is insane.

frankly, it is a waste of time.

 

please note. I am no pro at this. actually this is all stemming from a slight breakdown last night that my sister can attest too. she said something that I really liked, "don't let satan make you feel bad for something you don't have yet." at first I thought I understood this. but when really thinking about it, it was something completely different. I shouldn't feel bad about not (in this case) having a boy in my life who genuinely wants to be with me. that's how it should be. the problem is I try to fight the current. I need to relax and go with the flow. actually. precision of language. swim with the flow. I need to be actively in the river swimming toward something. not trying to catch up to someone or waiting for someone to catch up to me or waiting to be rescued.

 

I am extraordinary and I will accept nothing less. to quote Grey's Anatomy, sorry guys. this show just really has a lot of saying that are unforgettable. she says, "I think that we can be extraordinary together instead of ordinary apart."

 

since I am already bringing the extraordinary part, my man needs to add to that. I am not taking the extra out. I fought for it. I am fighting to keep it. I am not letting it go. Sorry, Elsa.

 

I am and will continue to be extraordinary.

lately, and by lately I mean over the past two years, I have really come to love slam poetry. I love the passion that comes out of it. this one I discovered. it is fantastic. be warned that it does contain a couple of f-bombs. it sorta relates to this post, the loving yourself part. but I mainly just really like it.

 

 

 

grow'd up

Remember how earlier I was talking about how things work out perfectly for me? kay, well that still goes without saying. I have been trying to put this post off slash never writing it, but writing always makes me think clearer.

So there has been this boy. Let's call him the little merman. I have been crushin' on him for a bit and as of a couple week ago we had been hanging out and going on quasi dates (I call them that because idk if they were true dates or not. it was never communicated). Though we never really progressed passed almost snuggling. haha that sounds so dumb. but. true. not to toot my own horn, but I did put my head on his arm during a movie. Some of you might say, wow kim. that is scandalous for you. believe me I know. I'm pretty sure you could have felt my heartbeat reverberate through the floor. luckily it we were watching star wars and there are a lot of loud noises in that.

I digress.

So basically, some days I would think for sure he was interested and other days not. I hate to quote katy perry, but he was hot n cold. yes n no. I couldn't tell if he was interested or not. So I decided I needed to make it clear I liked him. Even thinking about it right now I get nervous even though I already did it. Being a woman is hard enough, but being an English teacher who is expected to analyze everything just doubles the overthinking. So last Wednesday, after have a delightful time jumping on trampolines and pool hopping, I decided I had to shoot for the moon. aka. go for broke. aka. become a woman. aka balls to the wall. He walked me home and literally at the last second I just said, "can I tell you something?"
He laughed and nodded.
"I like you. And I don't know how you feel. And I am terrified. And I just want to know where you are at. Maybe how you feel about me. And that's it. I don't know what else to say. I am terrified."

I kid you not, this is what I said. I might have said I was terrified like twelve more times, but who is counting. I was hoping that my shakiness would come off as cute, not crazy. Though I did feel crazy. Anyway, the fact is I did it. The gist of what he said is he had to think about it.

Translation = let me think of a nice way to let you down easy.

The next night he let me down easy, but not like a country song where it is cute and the chorus is catchy. It was more like a song with no words. Or music.

He was very nice about the whole thing. And I can honestly say he is a great guy, which makes it harder. I can't blame him for anything (except for leading me on, which he admitted to and apologized for). I asked him for honesty. He gave it. What else could I have expected? beside it working out...

Still. It hurts. No one likes to be rejected. Especially, when I legit thought this could have worked. Or could work. But feelings are like streets, they gotta go both ways for it to function properly. And like the road to my home, this street was one way.

So now that you are all feeling sorry for me, as President Uchtdorf of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints says, "Stop it!" Don't worry, I tell myself this too.

What I did was a remarkable thing that I have never done in my life. Close your mouth. Yes, this is the first time I told a guy straight up that I liked him. Go me...

But really, GO ME!!! This was a hard thing. And the ending result sucked. Still sucks. Will suck for a little bit. But I tried to make something happen in my life. I took control and put myself out there. I will never have to think, hm. What could have happened? I know. I am living the result. And I did not fall down dead or get a disease.

So yeah. This sucks right now. I am trying to keep thinking of how great it was to be so vulnerable and put myself out there. Focusing on the good that happened. So far I have been okay at it. Sorta. I was telling my best friend about it and described it as like smelling something bad. It comes in whiffs, but then goes away. Sometimes a really rancid whiff comes along and makes you a little teary eyed, but that goes away too. Over time the whiffs lessen.

I have been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately. I love this show. I have seen every episode at least 3-4 times. It's a show that really just gets me. Anyway. I used to hate the character, Izzie. But her speeches are fantastic. There is this one about believing in the good. Ever since I first heard this, circa 2007, I applied it to my life. There is so much good that a little bad really isn't that bad. So taking a note from Izzie.

I believe that miracles do happen, especially when you are not looking. I believe that cookies are meant to be eaten raw regardless of the salmonella warning. I believe that getting hurt doesn't mean you have to be hurt. I believe that being courageous is sometimes the only victory in a situation and that is ok. I believe that I can watch four episodes of Grey's Anatomy in a row and if I learn something applicable to my life I didn't waste my time. I believe that even though I am not wanted now, #oneday I will be.

 

 

Love Languages...there are more than one?

So I have known about this theory for a while. Basically, there are five (generally) different ways people can respond to people caring for them. Depending on what certain people need and what people give depends how well they can communicate that they care for each other. Here are the five languages. Please note that I got all of this directly from http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. In no way do I claim these words as my own.

Acts of Service

Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

Quality Time

In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

Physical Touch

A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else's love and affection for you.

Now I always thought I was a certain way and that I received in a certain way. So I took the test to find out what I really was. I tried to be as honest as possible and really think back on occasions in my life where these five things have really applied. This is what I got out of 30 questions:

Your Scores

9	Acts of Service
8	Quality Time
6	Physical Touch
5	Words of Affirmation
2	Receiving Gifts

To me, this looks pretty spread out. I knew that receiving gifts is not my thing. I mean I love gifts, but they are not super important to me.

Words of affirmation. I think everyone loves to be told appreciating things about themselves. It is important to me, but I also know who I am and am confident so I don’t particularly NEED someone to tell me those things all the time.

Physical touch. I am not a touchy feely person. Plain and simple. So when I do touch someone (apro pro of course) it is because I mean it. It is something very sacred to me. I don’t take that lightly nor do I receive it lightly. So when someone touches me (apro pro of course) it is a big deal to me, even if it is not for them. Which gets a little tricky.

Quality time. I am an introvert, I think. So when I actually want to spend time with someone, it is kinda  big deal. I’m choosing to spend my precious time with someone that feel is worth spending that time with.

Lastly, acts of service. I already knew this would be my number one. So I am a religious person and to me Christ is the best example of how to live life. His life and ministry was one of service. I have learned that charity AKA service is the pure love of Christ. I think that is why I value it the most. When you really think about it, to me, it seems like the most affectionate love language. The person expressing care is taking out of their time to serve you. It is a completely selfless thing. Not saying I am a completely selfless person. Not at all. But I enjoy making other people happy. My mom would say sometimes I do that too much. She is probably right. But I don’t talk about my feelings, I show them.

Why do I think this is important? Cause I’m dating. The quicker I can figure out what language of love a guy needs, the easier for me to tell if I think there could be something there. I don’t know particularly what languages complement each other the best, but I would not be suited well with someone who needs to receive gifts all the time. I don’t think like that so it wouldn’t happen. Plus, I am not a millionaire. I know, the gifts don’t have to be big things. Just teasing.

I would suggest that everyone learn these languages because it is a better way to serve the ones you love. I am going to play detective for the next few weeks and figure out what my friends’ love languages are. I am not sure how to go about this…maybe I just have to try all five of them on them covertly and see which one they respond to the most. Or I could just have them take the quiz. Haha. Either way. I’ll figure it out.

cheesecake bites...

I love frozen yogurt. More importantly, I love the cheesecake bites that you can put on top. I will choose a specific yogurt place because it has the cheesecake bites. There is just something about bitesized pieces of cheesecake. Basically, I dream about it. I think I get more cheesecake bites than the yogurt. Have I said cheesecake bites enough? Cheescake bites.

Point of the story. I won't settle for a yogurt place if it doesn't have cheesecake bites.

I dated a guy once who I knew was not what I needed. He didn't have the attributes that suited my personality. For instance, he wouldn't tease fight with me. I like to argue dumb things. He wouldn't do it. Or even get mad. I was always right. Even when I was wrong. I hated that. We wouldn't play. But I stuck with him because I thought, "who else is vying for my attention?" #spoileralert, no one. I liked the attention of him more than him. That was not fair to him. And especially me. I was settling. His yogurt shop was not offering any cheesecake bites. After a painfully awkward breakup a few days in to a family vacation where we were stuck on a houseboat; our relationship ended. I left his yogurt shop with no cheesecake bites or yogurt, but with a lesson learned. I should never settle.

Now that was three years ago. Let's get real for a sec, k? It's been three years since I have been in a real relationship, if you call what Mr. J and I had real. Sure on Fbook I am engaged to  Rufio Jones. A dog. Yes. There have been dates, but mostly first dates. Although it has been hard, like not eating a freshly baked batch of cookies hard, I know it will be worth it. Cause I will find that yogurt shop that has all the toppings I want and more. I just have to be patient and keep trying different places. It may surprise me what place has those cheesecake bites I crave so much.

So. Just as in my love of yogurt, I don't plan to settle for anything subpar. I thought I couldn't get anything but plain froyo, but that is dumb. I'm freaking awesome. And #oneday someone will see that. Until then, I will try me some every kinda frozen yogurt.

Dusting off...

You know how life always goes exactly how you plan? Me too. NOT. After graduating last year from college, I thought I was going to move to New York and become the next big editor (which if you actually read my posts is pretty funny because I don't even edit my own stuffs). Turns out, I was too big of a baby to make the move, transition to a new place where I literally would have no one to fall back on. I also did not want to do ten years of grunge work, queue Ryan Reynolds in The Proposal, to get to a place I would actually enjoy. So after traveling through Europe with my best friend, I decided to fall back on an old high school plan: become a high school English teacher. How original, right? So here am I, now in Provo, Utah at the other BYU getting my teaching licence. And, more poignantly, a marriage licence.

Let's be real here. When I was but a mere age of twelve I believed in fairy tales, of love that works seamlessly and easily. Through the years, I witnessed my two older sisters go on several dates and with the older one having a cliche-Mormon-will-you-wait-for-me scenario. It turned out great for them and now with their three kids they couldn't be happier. The second oldest followed suit and had a remarkable story of getting dumped whilst on her mission in the Philippines only to have her future husband send her flowers on Valentine's Day that started their eternal happiness. Although Brian had to almost drag his wife to the alter after basically two years, their life has been so blessed with so many opportunities for them. Like how they both got accepted to prestigious UCLA programs by sheer miracle (they both very much deserved it because they are smart, but law school is hard to get into and Emily got chosen for a program that only two people get annually). And then there is Brandon. I have watched him seek after girls he is interested in, get hurt, get back up, and continue on. Even now he has a serious girlfriend who he has invited to try the ultimate test of the family vacation of Lake Powell (i broke up with a bf at LP two days before the trip ended).

Then there is me. Some days it feels as if there is no hope. Those are good days...just kidding. I understand there is a plan for me. It's just taking longer than I imagined when I was twelve. At that naive age I thought I would be fending off all dem boys. #spoileralert that didn't happen. I thought my life would be filled with writing missionaries and longing for the day they return and we get engaged and have a beautiful life together. Or going to a college where the motto is "BYU-I do". I didn't.

Now at 23 years of life as a single women in a community where I should be engaged/married/pregnant all I feel is discouraged. My life insecurities are attacking me as they once did in high school. Satan knows me too well and that is terrifying. I actually had a dream last night where I was at a restaurant and an older gentleman was commenting how I was still single because I was fat. Even in my dream I was bewildered that someone could be so rude, but I didn't cry in my dream because he said. I cried because I believed it. I know I am not fat. But still the thoughts creep in when I think why I am still single. It's an insecurity I think all us girls have.

And isn't that just stupid?

The world we live in is always telling women we are too fat, too skinny, love yourself, be bootylicious, embrace your curves, don't be a stiff or prude, embrace your sexuality and etc.

I am sad to report that it has taken me 23 years to figure out how to love my body and myself and even then the love is fragile and new. But this is a goal I know I am going to continue to explore. Life is too short to stress about the little things. And that is only one insecurity.

I am on a tangent. I digress.

I am still single. I am attempting to enjoy the little things on this journey of patience. Since I believe in eternal marriage, 23 years is not even anything. My roommate (Adj) and I are in the same boat. We both are frustrated, but determined to make the most of our lives. Our society (and by that i mean Mormon society) has tradition for being married young. Like most of my life, I have been an oddball, outcast, redheaded stepchild, but now I am seeing how this can be a good thing. Some days it is a stretch, but when that day does come and I find the person that wants to do dumb things with me, like having a singing contest in a crowd of people or sneak into a parade we don't belong in or binge watch Catfish on MTV, it will be worth it. All this loneliness will be put to use when its compared to my happiness with my future man. They will complement each other like cookies and milk.

Adj and I have a saying. At times I get so frustrated with it I want to punch her, but other times I really need that bit of hope. We love using hash tags, no naturally it involves a hash tag. Everyone needs a reminder sometimes that today might not be THE day, but it will eventually happen #oneday.