Dusting off...

You know how life always goes exactly how you plan? Me too. NOT. After graduating last year from college, I thought I was going to move to New York and become the next big editor (which if you actually read my posts is pretty funny because I don't even edit my own stuffs). Turns out, I was too big of a baby to make the move, transition to a new place where I literally would have no one to fall back on. I also did not want to do ten years of grunge work, queue Ryan Reynolds in The Proposal, to get to a place I would actually enjoy. So after traveling through Europe with my best friend, I decided to fall back on an old high school plan: become a high school English teacher. How original, right? So here am I, now in Provo, Utah at the other BYU getting my teaching licence. And, more poignantly, a marriage licence.

Let's be real here. When I was but a mere age of twelve I believed in fairy tales, of love that works seamlessly and easily. Through the years, I witnessed my two older sisters go on several dates and with the older one having a cliche-Mormon-will-you-wait-for-me scenario. It turned out great for them and now with their three kids they couldn't be happier. The second oldest followed suit and had a remarkable story of getting dumped whilst on her mission in the Philippines only to have her future husband send her flowers on Valentine's Day that started their eternal happiness. Although Brian had to almost drag his wife to the alter after basically two years, their life has been so blessed with so many opportunities for them. Like how they both got accepted to prestigious UCLA programs by sheer miracle (they both very much deserved it because they are smart, but law school is hard to get into and Emily got chosen for a program that only two people get annually). And then there is Brandon. I have watched him seek after girls he is interested in, get hurt, get back up, and continue on. Even now he has a serious girlfriend who he has invited to try the ultimate test of the family vacation of Lake Powell (i broke up with a bf at LP two days before the trip ended).

Then there is me. Some days it feels as if there is no hope. Those are good days...just kidding. I understand there is a plan for me. It's just taking longer than I imagined when I was twelve. At that naive age I thought I would be fending off all dem boys. #spoileralert that didn't happen. I thought my life would be filled with writing missionaries and longing for the day they return and we get engaged and have a beautiful life together. Or going to a college where the motto is "BYU-I do". I didn't.

Now at 23 years of life as a single women in a community where I should be engaged/married/pregnant all I feel is discouraged. My life insecurities are attacking me as they once did in high school. Satan knows me too well and that is terrifying. I actually had a dream last night where I was at a restaurant and an older gentleman was commenting how I was still single because I was fat. Even in my dream I was bewildered that someone could be so rude, but I didn't cry in my dream because he said. I cried because I believed it. I know I am not fat. But still the thoughts creep in when I think why I am still single. It's an insecurity I think all us girls have.

And isn't that just stupid?

The world we live in is always telling women we are too fat, too skinny, love yourself, be bootylicious, embrace your curves, don't be a stiff or prude, embrace your sexuality and etc.

I am sad to report that it has taken me 23 years to figure out how to love my body and myself and even then the love is fragile and new. But this is a goal I know I am going to continue to explore. Life is too short to stress about the little things. And that is only one insecurity.

I am on a tangent. I digress.

I am still single. I am attempting to enjoy the little things on this journey of patience. Since I believe in eternal marriage, 23 years is not even anything. My roommate (Adj) and I are in the same boat. We both are frustrated, but determined to make the most of our lives. Our society (and by that i mean Mormon society) has tradition for being married young. Like most of my life, I have been an oddball, outcast, redheaded stepchild, but now I am seeing how this can be a good thing. Some days it is a stretch, but when that day does come and I find the person that wants to do dumb things with me, like having a singing contest in a crowd of people or sneak into a parade we don't belong in or binge watch Catfish on MTV, it will be worth it. All this loneliness will be put to use when its compared to my happiness with my future man. They will complement each other like cookies and milk.

Adj and I have a saying. At times I get so frustrated with it I want to punch her, but other times I really need that bit of hope. We love using hash tags, no naturally it involves a hash tag. Everyone needs a reminder sometimes that today might not be THE day, but it will eventually happen #oneday.