So there has been this boy. Let's call him the little merman. I have been crushin' on him for a bit and as of a couple week ago we had been hanging out and going on quasi dates (I call them that because idk if they were true dates or not. it was never communicated). Though we never really progressed passed almost snuggling. haha that sounds so dumb. but. true. not to toot my own horn, but I did put my head on his arm during a movie. Some of you might say, wow kim. that is scandalous for you. believe me I know. I'm pretty sure you could have felt my heartbeat reverberate through the floor. luckily it we were watching star wars and there are a lot of loud noises in that.
I digress.
So basically, some days I would think for sure he was interested and other days not. I hate to quote katy perry, but he was hot n cold. yes n no. I couldn't tell if he was interested or not. So I decided I needed to make it clear I liked him. Even thinking about it right now I get nervous even though I already did it. Being a woman is hard enough, but being an English teacher who is expected to analyze everything just doubles the overthinking. So last Wednesday, after have a delightful time jumping on trampolines and pool hopping, I decided I had to shoot for the moon. aka. go for broke. aka. become a woman. aka balls to the wall. He walked me home and literally at the last second I just said, "can I tell you something?"
He laughed and nodded.
"I like you. And I don't know how you feel. And I am terrified. And I just want to know where you are at. Maybe how you feel about me. And that's it. I don't know what else to say. I am terrified."
I kid you not, this is what I said. I might have said I was terrified like twelve more times, but who is counting. I was hoping that my shakiness would come off as cute, not crazy. Though I did feel crazy. Anyway, the fact is I did it. The gist of what he said is he had to think about it.
Translation = let me think of a nice way to let you down easy.
The next night he let me down easy, but not like a country song where it is cute and the chorus is catchy. It was more like a song with no words. Or music.
He was very nice about the whole thing. And I can honestly say he is a great guy, which makes it harder. I can't blame him for anything (except for leading me on, which he admitted to and apologized for). I asked him for honesty. He gave it. What else could I have expected? beside it working out...
Still. It hurts. No one likes to be rejected. Especially, when I legit thought this could have worked. Or could work. But feelings are like streets, they gotta go both ways for it to function properly. And like the road to my home, this street was one way.
So now that you are all feeling sorry for me, as President Uchtdorf of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints says, "Stop it!" Don't worry, I tell myself this too.
What I did was a remarkable thing that I have never done in my life. Close your mouth. Yes, this is the first time I told a guy straight up that I liked him. Go me...
But really, GO ME!!! This was a hard thing. And the ending result sucked. Still sucks. Will suck for a little bit. But I tried to make something happen in my life. I took control and put myself out there. I will never have to think, hm. What could have happened? I know. I am living the result. And I did not fall down dead or get a disease.
So yeah. This sucks right now. I am trying to keep thinking of how great it was to be so vulnerable and put myself out there. Focusing on the good that happened. So far I have been okay at it. Sorta. I was telling my best friend about it and described it as like smelling something bad. It comes in whiffs, but then goes away. Sometimes a really rancid whiff comes along and makes you a little teary eyed, but that goes away too. Over time the whiffs lessen.
I have been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately. I love this show. I have seen every episode at least 3-4 times. It's a show that really just gets me. Anyway. I used to hate the character, Izzie. But her speeches are fantastic. There is this one about believing in the good. Ever since I first heard this, circa 2007, I applied it to my life. There is so much good that a little bad really isn't that bad. So taking a note from Izzie.
I believe that miracles do happen, especially when you are not looking. I believe that cookies are meant to be eaten raw regardless of the salmonella warning. I believe that getting hurt doesn't mean you have to be hurt. I believe that being courageous is sometimes the only victory in a situation and that is ok. I believe that I can watch four episodes of Grey's Anatomy in a row and if I learn something applicable to my life I didn't waste my time. I believe that even though I am not wanted now, #oneday I will be.
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