extra-ordinary

extraordinary is rather a remarkable word. let us dissect it, yeah?

extra:
adjective - added to an existing or usual amount or number.
adverb - to a greater extent than usual; especially.
noun - an item in addition to what is usual or strictly necessary.

ordinary:
adjective - with no special or distinctive features; normal.
noun - what is commonplace or standard.

extraordinary:
adjective -

very unusual or remarkable.

 

my definition:

pronoun - me.

 

everyone is their own kind of special. and everyone needs to find out for themselves what makes them remarkable.

 

it has taken me a some twenty years to realize that I am extraordinary. I don't mean this to come off as bragging or proudly, but more in the sense that I have a sense of who I am. and I am extraordinary. I have been trying to understand why I have been in a rut of a head game lately. the catalyst was when the merman told me he didn't want me. I wasn't mad at him; per say, I was mad of how I let myself feel and be affected by the rejection. rejection sucks. but it does not define who I am as a person. that night, through tears, I let someone else define me as a person. another person made me let myself feel like I was not of any worth. not his fault. I know I keep reiterating he is not at fault, but I don't want to degrade someone for being honest after I asked for honesty. I am mad at the answer, not the person. I truly hold no grudges.

 

back to me. cause honestly, that's the best topic. #sohumble.

 

I am extraordinary. I don't need someone to confirm or deny my extraordinariness, because I already know I am. extraordinary.

 

a problem with our world is that people, especially young people, are letting others define who they are based on menial things. I am all about people being themselves (caveat: i believe people are inherently good. so if be themselves is something good, i support that). with everyone's own insecurities and doubts who are we to judge other people for their lives? it seems that people focus on others so they don't need to deal with their own shortcomings or struggles. it is always easier to point out someone else's flaws to hide your own. that's called insecurity. trust me. I know that one. and watching someone bully someone else is the easiest way to know they are struggling with something in their own life, whether they know it or not.

 

so how do we fix it?

 

it starts with yourself. I generally do not condone selfishness, but in the case of bettering yourself I wholeheartedly support being selfish (caveat: as long as it does not impede your other responsibilities). I know that when I take care of myself I am in better shape to help others. I can't help someone else unless I can help myself. though sometimes it does take helping someone to help yourself, but that is for a different discussion. the point is. figure out how you are special, remarkable, or extraordinary and hold on to that for dear life. anytime you take one step away from that knowledge is when you doubt it. don't doubt it. find it and keep adding to the list. there is a fine line between humble and boastful. you can be humbly extraordinary.

 

satan is real. it is terrifying how much he knows each and everyone of us. how much he knows our weaknesses. how much he wants us to suffer. if satan had a tangible face, I'd punch it. ok. I wouldn't. but I would give him the shadiest shade of a look I could manage my face to contort to. he is the voice in our heads that says we are not good enough. we are unwanted. undesired. imperfect. fat. old. wrinkly. dumb. a loser. lazy.

 

worthless.

 

but what a lie that is! so much of a lie that it makes me want to run around the streets and shake people and tell them how much they are worth. because they are worth sooooo much it is insane.

frankly, it is a waste of time.

 

please note. I am no pro at this. actually this is all stemming from a slight breakdown last night that my sister can attest too. she said something that I really liked, "don't let satan make you feel bad for something you don't have yet." at first I thought I understood this. but when really thinking about it, it was something completely different. I shouldn't feel bad about not (in this case) having a boy in my life who genuinely wants to be with me. that's how it should be. the problem is I try to fight the current. I need to relax and go with the flow. actually. precision of language. swim with the flow. I need to be actively in the river swimming toward something. not trying to catch up to someone or waiting for someone to catch up to me or waiting to be rescued.

 

I am extraordinary and I will accept nothing less. to quote Grey's Anatomy, sorry guys. this show just really has a lot of saying that are unforgettable. she says, "I think that we can be extraordinary together instead of ordinary apart."

 

since I am already bringing the extraordinary part, my man needs to add to that. I am not taking the extra out. I fought for it. I am fighting to keep it. I am not letting it go. Sorry, Elsa.

 

I am and will continue to be extraordinary.

lately, and by lately I mean over the past two years, I have really come to love slam poetry. I love the passion that comes out of it. this one I discovered. it is fantastic. be warned that it does contain a couple of f-bombs. it sorta relates to this post, the loving yourself part. but I mainly just really like it.

 

 

 

grow'd up

Remember how earlier I was talking about how things work out perfectly for me? kay, well that still goes without saying. I have been trying to put this post off slash never writing it, but writing always makes me think clearer.

So there has been this boy. Let's call him the little merman. I have been crushin' on him for a bit and as of a couple week ago we had been hanging out and going on quasi dates (I call them that because idk if they were true dates or not. it was never communicated). Though we never really progressed passed almost snuggling. haha that sounds so dumb. but. true. not to toot my own horn, but I did put my head on his arm during a movie. Some of you might say, wow kim. that is scandalous for you. believe me I know. I'm pretty sure you could have felt my heartbeat reverberate through the floor. luckily it we were watching star wars and there are a lot of loud noises in that.

I digress.

So basically, some days I would think for sure he was interested and other days not. I hate to quote katy perry, but he was hot n cold. yes n no. I couldn't tell if he was interested or not. So I decided I needed to make it clear I liked him. Even thinking about it right now I get nervous even though I already did it. Being a woman is hard enough, but being an English teacher who is expected to analyze everything just doubles the overthinking. So last Wednesday, after have a delightful time jumping on trampolines and pool hopping, I decided I had to shoot for the moon. aka. go for broke. aka. become a woman. aka balls to the wall. He walked me home and literally at the last second I just said, "can I tell you something?"
He laughed and nodded.
"I like you. And I don't know how you feel. And I am terrified. And I just want to know where you are at. Maybe how you feel about me. And that's it. I don't know what else to say. I am terrified."

I kid you not, this is what I said. I might have said I was terrified like twelve more times, but who is counting. I was hoping that my shakiness would come off as cute, not crazy. Though I did feel crazy. Anyway, the fact is I did it. The gist of what he said is he had to think about it.

Translation = let me think of a nice way to let you down easy.

The next night he let me down easy, but not like a country song where it is cute and the chorus is catchy. It was more like a song with no words. Or music.

He was very nice about the whole thing. And I can honestly say he is a great guy, which makes it harder. I can't blame him for anything (except for leading me on, which he admitted to and apologized for). I asked him for honesty. He gave it. What else could I have expected? beside it working out...

Still. It hurts. No one likes to be rejected. Especially, when I legit thought this could have worked. Or could work. But feelings are like streets, they gotta go both ways for it to function properly. And like the road to my home, this street was one way.

So now that you are all feeling sorry for me, as President Uchtdorf of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints says, "Stop it!" Don't worry, I tell myself this too.

What I did was a remarkable thing that I have never done in my life. Close your mouth. Yes, this is the first time I told a guy straight up that I liked him. Go me...

But really, GO ME!!! This was a hard thing. And the ending result sucked. Still sucks. Will suck for a little bit. But I tried to make something happen in my life. I took control and put myself out there. I will never have to think, hm. What could have happened? I know. I am living the result. And I did not fall down dead or get a disease.

So yeah. This sucks right now. I am trying to keep thinking of how great it was to be so vulnerable and put myself out there. Focusing on the good that happened. So far I have been okay at it. Sorta. I was telling my best friend about it and described it as like smelling something bad. It comes in whiffs, but then goes away. Sometimes a really rancid whiff comes along and makes you a little teary eyed, but that goes away too. Over time the whiffs lessen.

I have been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy lately. I love this show. I have seen every episode at least 3-4 times. It's a show that really just gets me. Anyway. I used to hate the character, Izzie. But her speeches are fantastic. There is this one about believing in the good. Ever since I first heard this, circa 2007, I applied it to my life. There is so much good that a little bad really isn't that bad. So taking a note from Izzie.

I believe that miracles do happen, especially when you are not looking. I believe that cookies are meant to be eaten raw regardless of the salmonella warning. I believe that getting hurt doesn't mean you have to be hurt. I believe that being courageous is sometimes the only victory in a situation and that is ok. I believe that I can watch four episodes of Grey's Anatomy in a row and if I learn something applicable to my life I didn't waste my time. I believe that even though I am not wanted now, #oneday I will be.