a struggle...

so i dont like to write negative posts, but im going to today. i have been feeling like crap all day. not physically, but emotionally. yes, there have been moments here and there that have been good, but overall a poopy day. i have just felt a sense of self doubt and unsureness about myself. the usual confident me has left somewhere and been replace by my old concerned self. its hard to feel good enough when your in a mood like that. sure people can try to help me out of this rut, but its truly up to me. im trying things like playing the piano, finishing my assignments, even late night taco bell runs, but those dont help. i guess scripture study and prayer are next. even then though, it would change over night. maybe i get these kinda days so i can let people into my life. but half the time i dont even know what i am thinking. gaaahl so confusing.

that was my rant. im done. no more self pity, loathing, or negativity. i am taking a deep breath and letting go all of that negative energy.

great stuff. hmm i have no really inspirational thing to say right now, cause well i am not inspiring myself. uhh... this is awkward.

inches by inches

so i grew an inch this past weekend. some could say i grew a pair. but i went out of my comfort zone. i was invited to watch a vball game at some persons lounge with a bunch of other people that i kinda knew. i didnt know them super well, but then ALI forced me to go. i know that sounds bad. im 20, in college and its friday, i should be social. anypoo. i went. right as i was getting out of my car i said to myself, "big things happen by being uncomfortable". reflecting on that, so true! any situation that i have had fun at or been inspired or any other positive thing, i was uncomfortable at first. its natural to be unsure when entering a situation that you are unfamiliar with. i finally stepped out of my comfort bubble. i dont always like change, but its a common occurance in life. i think i am finally embracing change and letting things change me. gahl i am learning sooo much right now. i am a stubborn person and very much set in my ways. though over the last year i have changed, in my opinion, quite a lot. i dont always have to be right, even though my friends will say i still do but in all fairness most of those arguments i am right, i am letting people know i am vunerable, i cant do everything and i am not perfect. that last one was/is really hard for me. i dont like to be percieved as weak, so i build up walls that people cannot break down. now that i realize people want to break the walls down so they can sit with me in my fort, i have to help them see the true me. i have to open my front gate that requires them to cross over my moat thats filled with piranahs. when can do that, i can have true friends. i have done that with a couple of friends right now, but i have a lot of room to improve (not perfect, SEE!).

also, its blizzarding right now. bums.

seriously,

kimmah

rockin the Pooh

today in REXBURG it is ferociously blowing wind. it made me most def walk sideways. soo i naturally wore my Winnie the Pooh windbreaker. now i originally aquired this jacket when the cleaning ladies left it at my house. best find of my life. also, fun fact, on the back inside of the jacket it has step by step instructions on how to draw winnie the pooh. neato.

umm 1 reason why i love ali mahterian is because we can have word wars. by this i mean use a word sooo often and unnessisarily. example. yesterday we had a slash war. every start of our sentence started with saying 'slash' if we had another point in our sentence we would say slash again. here is an example,

that food was soo good slash i think i eat too much. slash but im glad i did because i worked out hard today. slash i raced some kid on the bike next to me. slash i won. slash he didnt know we were racing. slash i still won.

we could go on for hours.

so here for the nitty gritty. i realize i have to grow up and have adult conversations. i just dont want to. i find it much easier to just ignore it and move on until the problem goes away. i have a sitch that this is not applicable slash i have two sitches. GLORY BE i am obviously supposed to learn something. i am going to try. honestly to be better in both situations even though i would love to be an ostridge and shove my head into the ground and play call of duty. alas, i am 20 and thus supposed to do grown up things. balls. i dont want to.

ill keep you updated on that ^ if i choose to not be an ostridge.

xoxo

kim possible

whirl wind

soo i am no longer in california. i am back in the great state of idaho. always bittersweet leaving home, but its part of growing up. its never a fun part i might add.

since i am in idaho that means i am back at school. i have five classes and 15 credits. not too bad. im taking visual media, writing for a comm career, language theory, advanced research and anylisis, and my favorite creative writing. i like the majority of my classes, but some of them will not be very fun. they have to be done though in order to become a member of the real world.

so a couple of cool things.

1. i am awesome.

2. the other day my roommate sarah and i were at a church function. our FHE brothers decided it would be funny to steal sarahs car key. they then thought it would be great to watch us struggle outside as we tried to find the key. well as payback, we stole their table. we left the chairs, but took the table. sooo funny. at least thats what we thought. they just didnt care. so that sucked.

3. i went 11-3 on COD

4. i played vball yesterday and i sucked. well, yeah just not good at hitting, but in all fairness, the net was in between guys and girls height. i am very sore.

5. i am reading the chronicles of narnia. i just finished book 1 and i am onto number 2. the first one was pretty good. its nice to read a simple childs book. but the thing is there is sooooooo mcuh sybolism in it. love that.

6. i am still awesome.

7. ooooo super pumped. my best friend ali had recently lost 50 pounds. woot woot! she did that but just eating right. but now she wants to work out. so i thought about it and decided that giving her a goal would be great motivation. i know that losing weight is great motivation, but lets get real, that is everyone's goal. so why not be specific. so i offered up the idea of doing a half marathon. she agreed. and she is totally stoked! im really excited about it! and i am so happy to help. i KNOW this is going to change her life. she will be soo happy with herself and be able to maintain a healthy human body. i am very proud of her. i know it is hard and painful, but she has a great attitude. the other day she did not want to run at all, confession neither did it, and it was her long run day. but she did it. she mentally pushed through. to me that is the hardest part of any workout, mentally pushing yourself to do better. if you dont push yourself, you can never improve.

8. thats all i got. sooooo cool.

xoxo

k-spesh.