a moment

So I got my nephew a book for Christmas. The book is called, "Mustache Baby." Basically. This baby has a mustache and it's hilarious. Anyway. He opened it on Christmas and because it was just a book, he put it to the side, obviously not as excited as he was for other gifts.

It kinda bothered me. But, hey, he is four. What is he supposed to do?

Fast forward to right now. I saw him for the first time since Christmas. After about an hour of us playing together, he goes, "Kimmy. You know that book you got me for Christmas? I love it. It is so funny. We read it every night."

Then he giggled. He had the biggest smile on his face.

That is a tender mercy of the Lord. A miracle. A pat of the back. A moment.

In a moment, everything can change. A day can go from great to bad. Weather can shift from stormy to sunny. The cookies in the oven can go from doughy to burnt.

Life is full of moments, good and bad and stuff in between. We remember the moments.

Sure, it would be great if life were only full of good moments, but then how would we know if we actually had a good moment if we have never had a bad one or the stuff in between.

"If life were only [good] moments, then you'd never know you had one" (Into the Woods).

And we can't only live in the moments, you need to let the moments go. They are not meant to be lived in forever. A star athlete in high school can't live in the glory days forever.

"Don't forget it for a moment though."

Memories are there, ready to be replayed in our minds. These intangible moments will be with us forever. Reflecting back on the moments is ok as long as we don't miss the next one coming.

My nephew will move on to new books, toys, activities, but I will savor this moment in my mind when I brought him joy. I will grow with him and try to find a new way that we can have another moment together. Another memory.

Look for the next moment to come because sometimes you are too long in one moment to realize that your next moment has already begun.

It's funny, eh?

glass in the air

You know how when you are holding a casserole dish, or a wine glass (in my case a sparkling cider glass), or a mug or anything glass. Fragile. And then you trip. The glassware slips out of your hand and for a moment you are suspended in time. Waiting. The glass twinkles in the light. You are stranded in motion, waiting for the consequence. Will the glass shatter? You think of your surroundings. Tile or wood or carpet or vinyl? Five foot drop. Four feet? Is there an attempt to catch it? Or would you simply just hit the glass more and further secure its demise.

All you can do is wait. Wait for the silence to end with a shatter or a thud. Either way, you dropped the glassware. Whatever outcome comes, comes because you slipped. Comes because you thought you could hold on to five things at once. Popcorn in one hand. Glassware in another. Your teeth securing a Kit Kat bar. King size. A soda balanced in your armpit and a blanket draped over your head, dragging on the ground.

And this moment of suspension, this moment where your life either goes from an accident to a rough landing or an accident to a shattered attempt at stability, is never ending.

You are stuck until gravity takes hold, ripping you slowly.

time...

Time is a subject that when I think about it a lot...it hurts my head. To preface this, I believe in and eternal God and to Him, time is not a factor. Think about that. Time not mattering. It is a thought that just makes smoke come out of my ears because my brain blew a circuit. So when I think about our Earth life, our time to be tested, this time truly counts. Since I believe in eternal life, a life that has no regard for time, this instance is my only timed time. Bear with me...if I can bear with myself.

So if this time we have on Earth is the only time that matters, why are we wasting it? I have been thinking about this a lot in the last few weeks as I started as a student teacher, which is going alright beeteedubs. Half of my day is spent at school, 7:30-3:00. That is time that I give for my students, my future job. But when I get home, that is my time. So what have I been doing?

3:15-3:30 - get home
3:15-4:00 ish - eat a bowl of cereal while watching a tv show
4:00 -5:00- workout
5:00- 9:30ish maybe watch a show while I make dinner, shower, see friends.
9:30ish-10:00ish - read scriptures and get ready for bed
10:30 (hopefully) - go to bed

That is my life and I think it is pretty good. Some days I am better at keeping to this than others. Add in the occasional trip to the grocery store. But I have realized that as I have a busier schedule, the priorities of what I want in my day changed. I don't have time to watch tv for hours. I don't have the energy to stay up super late and get up as early as I do. I have to choose what is important.

The steady thing that has been an importance in my day is working out. This may seem crazy to some people because by 4 I am already wanted to go to bed or just sit. But I have found that my night is far more productive when I workout. Working out is like taking a nap. I do not care that it is obsessive of me to have to workout every day. It is something that I need and I believe that that's a good thing. It's not like I am doing drugs or whatever. And yes, working out doesn't make me stick thing, but that's not why I do it. I do it because I want to live longer. I want to be a good example for my nieces and nephews. I want to be able to be as hardcore as my dad and mom when I am their age. I want an active lifestyle. And I am willing to work for it.

Okay. This wasn't meant to be a workout post. But...you all know how I am on tangents...I believe that my students are catching on to that as well.

The point I am trying to make is make time for what you find important. What I find important and what you find important are going to be different. And that is just fine. As long as you are not wasting your time. I am still working on trying to be better with my time, it is pretty difficult. It is so easy to just sit and watch show after show, but my time is limited. Your time is limited. And if we are judged for our time here on Earth, we cannot afford to waste it. Our limited time is judged with what we make of it.

This also goes with whom I spend my time with. I do not want to spend time with people who are not, this sounds harsh, important to me. I am at the point in my life where I do not have to do things I do not want to, for the most part. So I will chose what I want to do. The only exception of this is when it comes to church things. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there is a lot going on at different times of the week, including and especially Sunday. I am willing to give my time up for the church, for my God. In those cases, it is up to me to change my attitude.

That's how this whole post about time got into my head. I was going to an activity, a Sunday dinner put on by my church, and I was walking there alone. It kind of made me mad that my friends and peers did not come. This event was sponsored and prepared by the people we go to church with every Sunday. The least we could do is support them for a quick bite to eat. It is a simple act that I do not understand why people do not support. Sure, it may take a half hour out of your schedule. Yes, the food might not be great. And of course, you might be sitting by yourself at a table. But that point is that you support. You are telling people that the time they spent in preparing the dinner or activity was well worth it. Maybe it is just me, but I feel that if you are able to go to an activity, you go. Change your attitude. Maybe change into your big girl panties. Just go. Because that time, dedicated to supporting someone who is trying to serve you, is time well spent.


As I was walking, I also was thinking about my time and how much I dedicate it to the Lord. The answer I came up with was too little. I need to shift things around in my schedule to include Him more. I do not want a graph to come up at the end of my timed existence with social media or tv towering over my time spent dedicated to Him.  That would be a very depressing graph.

So go out there. Spend your time wisely, because you will not get this time back. Ever. Our timed test on Earth will end. And when it does. What kind of graph do you want to see?

As my grandpa Turley says:

 "Time flies, but remember you are the navigator."


*I think this is the quote? may not be exact...but the meaning is the same.

the conclusion...

The long awaited conclusion to Mr. Popper's story is finally here. Sort of. It has been a while since it all happened, so I only have some basics. Let's throwback to old blog post structure: bullet points!

but before that. here is some background info. we kissed. on a Saturday. that lasted a weekish. he told me, after a night of conoodling, that he was going to go on another date with another girl the next Saturday. we will call her Missy. in all fairness, I thought that would be ok. that is what dating is. Saturday rolls around. I was not ok. at all. I felt sick. the next day, he was being so nice. like doing my dishes, but I felt sick. so Sunday night, the day after his date with the other girl, a week after we first kissed, we talked.

• I said "I don't know how I feel"
• he said "me neither"
• I said "but I know I don't like you going out with other girls, but I don't want to be exclusive"
• he said "yes. that's what we agreed on"
• I said "I realize that I cannot handle thinking of you on dates with other girls. I compare myself to them and that is not good for me. it makes me doubt myself. but I don't feel that I like you enough to be exclusive. and well I guess that means that it the answer. if we both don't know after all the time we spent together...I think that is the answer. we should stop"
• he said "is this going to affect me getting invited to things"
• I kid you not. that is what he said. right after what I said.
• being nice, I said "no, I will be fine with it"
• he said "good. what I wanted out of this was a best friend. like someone I can talk to about stuff we talk about. could we still talk like that?"
• ok...and with benefits?
• I said "well, I have enough friends. I don't need more. I want people I can date. I do not want to waste my energy, time, and emotions on another friend. I cannot go that in-depth with a new friend. because I cannot give that much of myself away. it is already hard enough to do that in general"
• he said "that is fair"

*that was the gist of what was said. idk exactly how it was said.

and that's it. he left, taking a cookie before walking out the door. and I cried. I am not particularly sure why I cried. I know that I was mourning a loss. I was losing a friend. I knew I wasn't going to hang out with him anymore. but I also thought I was crying because I was proud for standing up for myself. I was able to learn form my experience from the Merman. I stopped something before it could hurt me as much as it hurt me with the Merman. and I only stopped something because it felt right. it wasn't worth it to potentially be hurt. that's also how I knew that this was the right decision.

so. after that Sunday. we still had a Halloween party we had to go to together. it was a murder mystery and coupled theme. him and I were a couple. luckily, I was a religious zealot. so I could be snippy and weird and have an excuse to not touch him. it was actually pretty fun. Brandon was also there, so I had him to lean on. Halloween was on Friday. so he goes on a date with Missy, from the week before, the night before Halloween. they kissed. woo hoo.

flash forward to Saturday. day after our Halloween extravaganza. he went on a date with another rando. and then I think Missy again...but not sure. I am not a stalker.

Sunday morning. Facebook official with Missy.

glad I got out and made way for their happiness.

I feel like I should provide a disclaimer. I am not bitter. more so, I am happy that I did what I needed to do. he was not right for me and I him.

this experience was worth it. even though it sucked. I learned that I can and should always voice my opinions. it is not worth questioning a situation or comparing at the cost of trying to 'go with the flow'. my life is just that. it is mine. I should not settle for anything that is less than what I desire.

and I won't.

 

p.s. I think the best is how he told me he was in a relationship. before I saw it on fbook, he gave me and my friend, Erin, a ride home from church. her and I were engrossed in singing a song and out of nowhere he says, "so I have a girlfriend now." we both stopped singing and just said that's great then went straight back to singing. haha it sounds kinda rude of us...but the way he said it was just out of left field.

intentions

two posts in one day. im cray.

today I went to a conference where I got to see one of the apostles speak. Elder Ballard has never been an apostle that I was excited to hear speak at general conference. I know. that is horrible. but I cant really remember a talk of his that I really connected with.

until now. he gave a talk today that just made sense to me. the entire conference was great. the speakers really hit a lot of things home for me today, regardless of the fact that the seats we sat in were the most uncomfortable seats imaginable. a few things stood out.

• be attractive. ok. this one was more of a little joke. but it was funny and stood out and I love it and it is true and because an apostle said it.
• help men be gentlemen. expect them to open doors for you. don't let them come over and just eat all your food, achem Mr. Popper.
• where are you facing? I should be always facing the temple. my goal is temple worthiness.

the most thought provoking statement in conference today came from a women who I have no idea who she is. but she asked, "what are you intentions?" that seems like a simple statement. but pair it with something you are doing right now. take, for instance, Mr. Popper. what were my intentions with him? I didn't know, so how I could I have really gone somewhere with it? or even schooling. people can ask what your major is. say you say oh its chemistry. cool. what do you hope to do with that? you say idk. what are your intentions?!?

our Gospel strives to have us be "anxiously engaged in a good cause" (Doctrine and Covenants 58:27). it is not saying to be just engaged in something, but in a good cause. I assume any intention worthwhile should be good. like, your intention should not be murdering or trying to hurt someone in some capacity. there is going to be intent behind "a good cause".

my goal from this conference is to find the intentions in the things I do. if they are "good" then I will continue striving to do that. if the intent is not good, it's out or I need to find a way to make the intention better.



p.s. I did talk to Mr. Popper. I am still digesting the info...update lates. aka later.

found poetry

I learned something in school today. what a delightful thing that is, right? I learned about found poetry. basically, you take phrases from other works and create a poem out of them. for instance, the one I am about to share is from my music library. I went through a lot of my songs and just made a poem. here it is.


All I Want

All I want, long way down.

Wait.

Stay with me, my moon.
When you sleep, pills n potions, strange things will happen.
On this night of a thousand stars,
I’d be surprisingly good for you.

In the morning,

Standing in the way of light.
What am I to you?
Enough for now.
Please don’t leave me.

Falling awake,

Always in my head, recycled air.
Hearts a mess.
One step at a time.
One, two step.
Save me.
I’ll find a way.
Waiting outside the lines.


I realized that this is how I am feeling right now. to me this poem says that I just need someone to mask my loneliness. and isn't that the truth.

so there is a man in my life. we will call him Mr. Popper. Mr. Popper is a great guy. we have been texting and cuddling and even kissing (queue the applause), but we have been on one date. and the date was ....well a bit uncomfortable. at least for me. maybe because I just don't do well in those serious types of situations. I feel weird getting attention on me, like, for me. anywho. Mr. Popper and I are good at communication. before we kissed he told me that he didn't want to just kiss girls if he didn't see something more long term. I can appreciate that because that has been my life motto. but idk why recently that motto has changed for me. probs because my momma told me to just kiss boys. but I appreciated what he had said and accepted it.

then he kissed me. now let me tell you, its been a while in that department. obvi. just read my past blog posts. it felt good. good to be wanted. but that is the thing. I have been struggling this week deciding if I like the feeling of being wanted or if I like the feeling of being wanted by him. specifically him. or would another man do the trick?

we also both expressed how we didn't now if we wanted to date each other exclusively. so we decided to just keep going with this and have fun while figuring things out. so we could date other people. the catalyst to this post, I suppose, is that fact that he told me while we were cuddling that he was going on a date the following day. objectively, I appreciate the honesty. truly I do. but the feeling that came after was sensation of weirdness. like. this is not a normal thing that I want in my life. I don't want to act like I am dating someone and hear about how they want me BUT still want to date other people. our theory of dating people and cuddling/kissing is great, until someone actually goes out on a date with someone else. that is just weird to me. I didn't think it would be weird until it happened. it made me think of this whole situation and why I am really in it. what is my intention with this kind of relationship?

this is what I have come to conclude. this makes me hate this whole process, because he is a great guy. I do have feelings for him, just not enough. at least I don't think. and I am sitting here on the verge of tears because I feel sad for the loss I am about to experience. the loss of someone wanting me. but I also feel like it is the right thing to do. as much as it sucks. I am not here to waste my time or his time.

I am having a hard time putting into words what I am trying to say because I don't even really know what I am trying to think. my head is a fishbowl and the fishes are the thoughts. there are like 1293847 little fishes just racing around in the fishbowl. I cant catch a thought long enough to process it or come to a conclusion of it. I feel crazy.

my deciding factor is that if I don't know now, after a month of talking and conoodling, it is a pretty good indicator of how I actually feel.

I want to be wanted by someone who wants me, not someone who wants me.... and any other girl he fancies.

so with this conclusion, I now have the delight of attempting to communicate something I don't even understand myself. I am going with my gut.

life is just so incredibly strange. wish me luck.

xoxo
kk

extra-ordinary

extraordinary is rather a remarkable word. let us dissect it, yeah?

extra:
adjective - added to an existing or usual amount or number.
adverb - to a greater extent than usual; especially.
noun - an item in addition to what is usual or strictly necessary.

ordinary:
adjective - with no special or distinctive features; normal.
noun - what is commonplace or standard.

extraordinary:
adjective -

very unusual or remarkable.

 

my definition:

pronoun - me.

 

everyone is their own kind of special. and everyone needs to find out for themselves what makes them remarkable.

 

it has taken me a some twenty years to realize that I am extraordinary. I don't mean this to come off as bragging or proudly, but more in the sense that I have a sense of who I am. and I am extraordinary. I have been trying to understand why I have been in a rut of a head game lately. the catalyst was when the merman told me he didn't want me. I wasn't mad at him; per say, I was mad of how I let myself feel and be affected by the rejection. rejection sucks. but it does not define who I am as a person. that night, through tears, I let someone else define me as a person. another person made me let myself feel like I was not of any worth. not his fault. I know I keep reiterating he is not at fault, but I don't want to degrade someone for being honest after I asked for honesty. I am mad at the answer, not the person. I truly hold no grudges.

 

back to me. cause honestly, that's the best topic. #sohumble.

 

I am extraordinary. I don't need someone to confirm or deny my extraordinariness, because I already know I am. extraordinary.

 

a problem with our world is that people, especially young people, are letting others define who they are based on menial things. I am all about people being themselves (caveat: i believe people are inherently good. so if be themselves is something good, i support that). with everyone's own insecurities and doubts who are we to judge other people for their lives? it seems that people focus on others so they don't need to deal with their own shortcomings or struggles. it is always easier to point out someone else's flaws to hide your own. that's called insecurity. trust me. I know that one. and watching someone bully someone else is the easiest way to know they are struggling with something in their own life, whether they know it or not.

 

so how do we fix it?

 

it starts with yourself. I generally do not condone selfishness, but in the case of bettering yourself I wholeheartedly support being selfish (caveat: as long as it does not impede your other responsibilities). I know that when I take care of myself I am in better shape to help others. I can't help someone else unless I can help myself. though sometimes it does take helping someone to help yourself, but that is for a different discussion. the point is. figure out how you are special, remarkable, or extraordinary and hold on to that for dear life. anytime you take one step away from that knowledge is when you doubt it. don't doubt it. find it and keep adding to the list. there is a fine line between humble and boastful. you can be humbly extraordinary.

 

satan is real. it is terrifying how much he knows each and everyone of us. how much he knows our weaknesses. how much he wants us to suffer. if satan had a tangible face, I'd punch it. ok. I wouldn't. but I would give him the shadiest shade of a look I could manage my face to contort to. he is the voice in our heads that says we are not good enough. we are unwanted. undesired. imperfect. fat. old. wrinkly. dumb. a loser. lazy.

 

worthless.

 

but what a lie that is! so much of a lie that it makes me want to run around the streets and shake people and tell them how much they are worth. because they are worth sooooo much it is insane.

frankly, it is a waste of time.

 

please note. I am no pro at this. actually this is all stemming from a slight breakdown last night that my sister can attest too. she said something that I really liked, "don't let satan make you feel bad for something you don't have yet." at first I thought I understood this. but when really thinking about it, it was something completely different. I shouldn't feel bad about not (in this case) having a boy in my life who genuinely wants to be with me. that's how it should be. the problem is I try to fight the current. I need to relax and go with the flow. actually. precision of language. swim with the flow. I need to be actively in the river swimming toward something. not trying to catch up to someone or waiting for someone to catch up to me or waiting to be rescued.

 

I am extraordinary and I will accept nothing less. to quote Grey's Anatomy, sorry guys. this show just really has a lot of saying that are unforgettable. she says, "I think that we can be extraordinary together instead of ordinary apart."

 

since I am already bringing the extraordinary part, my man needs to add to that. I am not taking the extra out. I fought for it. I am fighting to keep it. I am not letting it go. Sorry, Elsa.

 

I am and will continue to be extraordinary.

lately, and by lately I mean over the past two years, I have really come to love slam poetry. I love the passion that comes out of it. this one I discovered. it is fantastic. be warned that it does contain a couple of f-bombs. it sorta relates to this post, the loving yourself part. but I mainly just really like it.