sorry to interject...

People shorten my name all the time. I introduce myself as Kimberly and they always respond within a minute with calling me Kim. It makes my smile falter as if I needed all the syllables in my name to hold up the corners of my mouth. When I do not have those three distinct tones and am divided by three turning into one syllable, I can only hold a third of a smile.

He asked what I like to be called. I said the three syllables. When referring to me, I only heard three syllables. Sometimes I would hear just one and then a rushed added two. His sideways glances to see if I noticed were met with the smile that he always had me wearing; there was no flinch of hearing his stutter. I appreciated more that he remembered and added, rather than divide and let that solution stand.

After a while, his stutters became more frequent and his corrections less prevalent. The muscles that made up the corner of my mouth were conditioned, so they held the three point smile. But with each lost syllable, some muscle memory lost itself too.

short story intro...trying to keep it fresh, yeah?

Preferences. Everyone has them. Admit it! You prefer something over something whether it is soup over salad, cookies over cookie dough (but let’s be real, just eat both), pants over skirts...whatever it may be, you have a preference.

Our society is, in general, a people pleasing unit. Now, there are selfish people, but I mean people pleasing in the sense that people are often too apologetic, especially about their preferences. We have all done it, “Sorry to interrupt,” “I apologize for being ‘that’ person, but…” Why are we apologizing for something we like? What does “that” person mean and why is “that” person bad? You are not living for other people --in the sense that it is your life--you live for you.

So stop apologizing for every little thing. It kind of wastes what an apology is.

Let us define apology.

Apology: a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure

OR

a very poor or inadequate example of

Should we regret to tell someone of a preference? Or feel like a failure for having a preference? Or claim that our opinion is inadequate? No, that is not how it should work. And yet, we apologize all the time for it! We are basically apologizing for being ourselves. And I am not ok with that. Seriously.

I have been told that I am too considerate…which I guess is a bad thing cause people tell that to me with this look on their face that resembles pity slash concern. I had always been offended by this. How is me feeling concerned for other people a bad thing? I have been realizing lately, that it is not a bad thing, but it is when that overtakes what I prefer. That is a big realization for me. When I look back on my life, I can name too many times when I did something because it was not what I wanted, but what another person wanted. Which is funny--tangent--because when I was in elementary school I was the most bossy child ever to have ruled Oak Park Elementary. I even made the Tetherball Hierarchy turn into a Monarchy because I was the champion and wanted a queen to rule forevermore. I ruled from 1st grade until 3rd, to which I only stepped down because I moved. 

Anyway.

It is good to do what other people want, I am not saying that you should never do what other people want, if your intentions should are for good reason. There just is a fine line. When you let someone else dictate your decisions because you are being too conscientious of how they feel or --I daresay-- apologetic of your own feelings, it is not right. (there are obvious caveats here that I am aware of. of course there are exceptions, I am not pretending there are not)

Feelings are real and everyone who knows me--like really knows me--knows I have a lot of them, but I hate to talk about them. But that does not mean they are not real! They count just the same as the person’s who is asking what I want for dinner or if I prefer the green couch in their new living room or the yellow one. They are both ugly beeteedubs.
I am a coward when it comes for standing up for my preferences. I cannot proudly say that I am an unapologetic person. It is hard for me say what I mean (kudos for Michael for his patience and willingness to make me his bride) and it takes baby steps. Just the other day I was faced with having to not apologize for my preference and the person--I should say doctor--made me feel like I was an idiot for having these feelings. That is not ok. My preference was justifiable but disagreeable to her, yet she was making me feel bad about what I felt. As soon as I got in my car, I cried. Not a cute cry where the person drips a tear or two as rain softly drops on their car. It was my ugly cry that forces me to take refuge in my closet. No okay.

So, here is my statement. Be sincere about your apologies. Meaning, only give them when you are sorry or else any apology you want to be sincere is now void and meaningless.

And say what you want. This life is yours and it is silly to not do with it what you want. Unless it is murder. Then that is not silly; rather, it is very serious. Go see a psychiatrist.

Here is my list of unapologetic things:

• I know that Christ is the Savior of the world

• I love Michael
• My family will always be my top priority
• I enjoy eating medium rare steaks
• No, I do not want to go out tonight. I do not want to be social
• Marriage is between a man and a woman. Anything else is cannot be defined as marriage
• Silence is sometimes the only way I know how to respond; it does not mean I am not thinking. It is actually quite the opposite. It also does not mean I am mad
• Steamed carrots and ketchup is quite delicious
• I can eat anything, but I prefer if something is prepared the way I want it to be
• Dragons were real at some point in history.

So there are a few things. Obvi there are more, but totes cannot think of any more right now. Life is too short to not be what you want it to be, but you have to make it that way.

#oneday

remember how I overused #oneday in really cheesy ways that were meant to inspire and uplift? well guess what?

#oneday  #june11

obviously there is a lot, and I mean a lot, that you, my many dedicated followers, have missed out on. don't you worry your pretty little mind, I am going to update you! Cue the bullet points! (aka timeline)

May (the meeting)

• 22-25 - remember how I went to Havasupai? yeah me too! It was sweet. remember how I shared a tent with two rando guys? Me too....vividly. remember how one of those men asked me out on a date? 
  
  if you look in the corner, you can see him

• 29 - first date. his work schedule straight up sucked. basically, he worked until 11 every night. not much time for night dates, yeah? nonetheless, we went out a night he got of earlier. he came up to my apartment and I was nervous. I mean, sure I had slept (said loosely) with this kid, but I didn't really know him. so we just talked a little and then we decided we should go do something. so I said, well why don't we go on a walk up Rock Canyon? I mean we both like to hike...and that is how we met...so...and it was agreed. we hiked up to a cool little cave, I got winded, so I was trying to take silent, but huge breaths because this kid basically wasn't breathing. not kidding. he was a track star in high school and ran for a university. so yeah, he wasn't really breathing. we talked for an hour and it was a beautiful night. then we went to his car and let me tell you, we talked some more. I think we stayed up until like 2 in the morning just talking. 

June (twists and turns and more turns)

this is where the story gets weird. but every relationship has weird stuff and it is me. so what would you expect? so we text and snapchat after our first date and its all fine. in my head, I just wanted to hang out with this kid because I was interested, but he was always working. it made me furious! so I would snapchat things to make him not jealous, per-say, but stuff to make him a little mad that he is missing out. the other guy who was in the tent is his best friend and I was friends with him, so I would hang out with his best friend. basically I was a butthead. 

• 1 - so we find a time after he gets off work to go walk to a park. now, I was interested in this kid, but I was not interested in the physical stuff yet. I was still seeing how interested I was. needless to say, I was on edge. I did not want to lead him on (like the Merman did me) and I did not want to take things to physical (like Mr. Popper) before I knew if I liked him. so this date was awkward. he felt it. I felt it. the mosquitoes felt it (that is why they bit us 12938478 times) weird date on both ends, but not weird enough where I was out. 
• he def thought I was not interested
• 5 - with his best friend, Housty, we went to these cool caves. just the three of us having a good time exploring. all was well. then we were gonna play halo afterwards, all three of us. but then, Housty decided he was tired...or he was trying to wingman, I still do not have a straight story. but then it was just Michael and I. I did mention his name right? well...it is Michael. so we traveled to his parents house (he was living there for the summer) to play halo. it was late and I was tired, but I did not know the next time I would see him and I hadn't played halo in a while and I really wanted to play. again, I was on guard because of all the park reasons. but I did not find this night awkward, but later Michael told me he had not idea what I was doing. 
• 8 - I decided I liked Michael enough to kiss him. so I made it as obvious as possible. it was late and I asked if he wanted to watch a movie. so we went to his parents house again late. we chose mission impossible: ghost protocol. I did not care to watch the movie. the whole time I was just trying to figure out why he was not making a move. towards the end of the movie, I laughed and leaned forward and he put his arm behind me. I was still laughing though, so I did not sit back right away. he retracted it. darn. so I fake laughed, I am such an actress, and leaned forward again. he took the bait and left his arm there. I shot back, almost breaking his arm. not really, but that sounds more dramatic. then we cuddled for the last five minutes of the movie. no joke. it was literally the last five minutes. he was asleep most of the movie beeteedubs. then I just could not take it anymore. I decided to be forward and look up at him. mission accomplished. 
• 10 - I had a dream of best friends dating best friends. so I made Michael ask Housty to ask Sarah on a double date. we went to the cave thing that we did the same night as the halo debacle. 
• best friends dating best friends did not work out.
• 15 - this is where I freaked out. I knew I liked Michael. But he asked me to go to a movie with his entire family. I will, actually, Michael will be the first to admit that I freaked out. I mean, someone get on my side. it was with his whole family....that is a lot right? I thought so. So I told him no. But then I realized that is was just a movie, I would not really have to meet them yet. So I said yes. but then I said no. and then ten minutes before the movie started, I said yes. he did not have his phone, so I actually did not go. I just looked liked a fool.

the rest of June just consisted of us hanging out and just having fun. we hiked and just spent every second of the day possible together. oh and me accepting a job in Arizona, while he was committed to an internship in Utah. 

July (the real fun)

• 2-3 - so I got a boil. if you do not know what that is or have never had one, neither had I. I had no idea what was going on with my face. but a huge thing started to boil (i see what they did there) up on my chin. I looked crazy. I felt gross. and Michael still liked me. that is when I knew he was special. he liked me through a boil. anyway. Michael, me, his friends, my friends and my boil went camping at Payson lakes. gorg. great time. I remember walking with him around the border of the lake, hand in hand, thinking that this was pleasant. ok. that sounds lame...but it was comfortable. he made me feel comfortable. which is huge for me. it is had for me to feel comfortable in front of someone I care about. this guy was different. 

• I cannot stress enough how gross the boil was. I had never had one before or one since (fingers crossed)
• 4 - we went to the stadium of fire with his family (i met them!...well before that). Journey was the main act and Michael loves Journey. like loves them. as I was watching him sing and dance along to Journey, I remember looking at him and thinking that this guy was different. this is where I think I started to fall in l-o-l-o-l-o-l-o-v-e.
• 15 - or as I like to call it, D-Day. I was moving to AZ at the end of the month and he was staying in Utah. were we going to long distance it? today was the day we talked about that. I knew I wanted to try it because he knew my eye color. right when he was asked, he said it. we decided to just keep dating because it was going good, why stop it now? which, let me tell, was terrifying. that meant the possibility of getting hurt. I hate that. but, this guy was different.
• 18 - I asked him if he was my bf. totes.
• 20-22 - we went to Moab to rappel. Michael loves to rappel. I could take it or leave it. I really just hate harnesses. they make everyone's butt's look weird. ever heard of a quadbutt? obvi that was the joke of the trip. oh, Michael got 123984 bug bites. 
• 24 - it was time for me to move to AZ. I was stopping home first and I asked Michael if he wanted to come down for a couple of days and meet my family. big step, huh? guess what. he hesitated too! I am not the only one! HA! on the morn of me leaving, I went to say goodbye to his family. I said bye, gave him a hug and he said, "be safe driving home....with me" I punched him. he still got in the car. we were both terrified, but we drove home. it was a looooong drive. also, Michael farted. 
• 25 - it was a short trip with my family, but one night Michael and I were really tired. he more so. and he let slip, "I think I'm going to marry you"

August (the beginning of long distance relationship....yippee)

these are going to be brief, because there could be so much packed into this, but these are the highlights. These are moments that made me realize this relationship was something different. this guy was different. 

• 2 - "what if the next time you see me, I gained 25 pounds?" "Honestly, at this point it wouldn't matter because I like you too much"
• 6-8 - visited at Sand Hollow. we brought each other small gifts. I gave him a picture of me to put on his desk (havasupai waterfall) and he gave me a book mark that said ,"to the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world," I am a sucker for quotes. this guy was different. 
  
• 14 - "I hope you come to a point where you see you how I see you"

September

• 4 - went to the wrong airport to pick up Michael
• 7 - "I'm terrified. I love you" "I know" (best girlfriend to quote star wars at him -he loves loves loves loves star wars) "I love you"
• 19 - "I won the lottery" "I am just waiting for you to realize how amazing you are and seeing that other people think that too. Hoping you'll stay with me"
• 23 - temple confirmed that he was the one for me
• 25 - trip to vegas, where slim pants were victorious! 

October 

• 9 - surprised him by coming a day early for a visit
• 15 - kanaraville falls. the car ride there, I knew he was the man for me. we had a who-could-make-a-weirder-noise contest for about a half hour. bless our passengers. 
• 18 - before I left to go back to AZ. "I got you something and I am nervous to give it to you" "should I be nervous" (cause I was) "no. but since I can't be engaged with you yet..." he bought me an infinity necklace. I wear every day. 

November

• endured 5.5 weeks of not seeing each other. it was a rough 5.5 weeks. but then we had thanksgiving together. luckily, my family was going to utah so I got to see him and my family. he also got to play with my nephews and nieces. i needed to see him with kiddos. and he excelled. 

December

• 21 - hale center theater. A Christmas Carol. in front of my whole family. perfect. 

and so here we are now. waiting until we can reunite in June. I guess #oneday still applies...cause I still have to wait.

But here is what I know.

I love this man. He makes me feel more comfortable than anything I have ever experienced. He makes me laugh. He comforts me. He makes me feel beautiful even when I feel gross. He is my best friend, my confidant. I can tell him literally everything and I do. Even if it is kinda gross. Nothing is off limits. He shows how much he cares for me through his actions and his words. I always know he loves me even if he is annoyed with me. I am so lucky to call him mine on June 11 and then for eternity.

#oneday #june11 #babewait