sorry to interject...

People shorten my name all the time. I introduce myself as Kimberly and they always respond within a minute with calling me Kim. It makes my smile falter as if I needed all the syllables in my name to hold up the corners of my mouth. When I do not have those three distinct tones and am divided by three turning into one syllable, I can only hold a third of a smile.

He asked what I like to be called. I said the three syllables. When referring to me, I only heard three syllables. Sometimes I would hear just one and then a rushed added two. His sideways glances to see if I noticed were met with the smile that he always had me wearing; there was no flinch of hearing his stutter. I appreciated more that he remembered and added, rather than divide and let that solution stand.

After a while, his stutters became more frequent and his corrections less prevalent. The muscles that made up the corner of my mouth were conditioned, so they held the three point smile. But with each lost syllable, some muscle memory lost itself too.

short story intro...trying to keep it fresh, yeah?

Preferences. Everyone has them. Admit it! You prefer something over something whether it is soup over salad, cookies over cookie dough (but let’s be real, just eat both), pants over skirts...whatever it may be, you have a preference.

Our society is, in general, a people pleasing unit. Now, there are selfish people, but I mean people pleasing in the sense that people are often too apologetic, especially about their preferences. We have all done it, “Sorry to interrupt,” “I apologize for being ‘that’ person, but…” Why are we apologizing for something we like? What does “that” person mean and why is “that” person bad? You are not living for other people --in the sense that it is your life--you live for you.

So stop apologizing for every little thing. It kind of wastes what an apology is.

Let us define apology.

Apology: a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure

OR

a very poor or inadequate example of

Should we regret to tell someone of a preference? Or feel like a failure for having a preference? Or claim that our opinion is inadequate? No, that is not how it should work. And yet, we apologize all the time for it! We are basically apologizing for being ourselves. And I am not ok with that. Seriously.

I have been told that I am too considerate…which I guess is a bad thing cause people tell that to me with this look on their face that resembles pity slash concern. I had always been offended by this. How is me feeling concerned for other people a bad thing? I have been realizing lately, that it is not a bad thing, but it is when that overtakes what I prefer. That is a big realization for me. When I look back on my life, I can name too many times when I did something because it was not what I wanted, but what another person wanted. Which is funny--tangent--because when I was in elementary school I was the most bossy child ever to have ruled Oak Park Elementary. I even made the Tetherball Hierarchy turn into a Monarchy because I was the champion and wanted a queen to rule forevermore. I ruled from 1st grade until 3rd, to which I only stepped down because I moved. 

Anyway.

It is good to do what other people want, I am not saying that you should never do what other people want, if your intentions should are for good reason. There just is a fine line. When you let someone else dictate your decisions because you are being too conscientious of how they feel or --I daresay-- apologetic of your own feelings, it is not right. (there are obvious caveats here that I am aware of. of course there are exceptions, I am not pretending there are not)

Feelings are real and everyone who knows me--like really knows me--knows I have a lot of them, but I hate to talk about them. But that does not mean they are not real! They count just the same as the person’s who is asking what I want for dinner or if I prefer the green couch in their new living room or the yellow one. They are both ugly beeteedubs.
I am a coward when it comes for standing up for my preferences. I cannot proudly say that I am an unapologetic person. It is hard for me say what I mean (kudos for Michael for his patience and willingness to make me his bride) and it takes baby steps. Just the other day I was faced with having to not apologize for my preference and the person--I should say doctor--made me feel like I was an idiot for having these feelings. That is not ok. My preference was justifiable but disagreeable to her, yet she was making me feel bad about what I felt. As soon as I got in my car, I cried. Not a cute cry where the person drips a tear or two as rain softly drops on their car. It was my ugly cry that forces me to take refuge in my closet. No okay.

So, here is my statement. Be sincere about your apologies. Meaning, only give them when you are sorry or else any apology you want to be sincere is now void and meaningless.

And say what you want. This life is yours and it is silly to not do with it what you want. Unless it is murder. Then that is not silly; rather, it is very serious. Go see a psychiatrist.

Here is my list of unapologetic things:

• I know that Christ is the Savior of the world

• I love Michael
• My family will always be my top priority
• I enjoy eating medium rare steaks
• No, I do not want to go out tonight. I do not want to be social
• Marriage is between a man and a woman. Anything else is cannot be defined as marriage
• Silence is sometimes the only way I know how to respond; it does not mean I am not thinking. It is actually quite the opposite. It also does not mean I am mad
• Steamed carrots and ketchup is quite delicious
• I can eat anything, but I prefer if something is prepared the way I want it to be
• Dragons were real at some point in history.

So there are a few things. Obvi there are more, but totes cannot think of any more right now. Life is too short to not be what you want it to be, but you have to make it that way.