intentions

two posts in one day. im cray.

today I went to a conference where I got to see one of the apostles speak. Elder Ballard has never been an apostle that I was excited to hear speak at general conference. I know. that is horrible. but I cant really remember a talk of his that I really connected with.

until now. he gave a talk today that just made sense to me. the entire conference was great. the speakers really hit a lot of things home for me today, regardless of the fact that the seats we sat in were the most uncomfortable seats imaginable. a few things stood out.

• be attractive. ok. this one was more of a little joke. but it was funny and stood out and I love it and it is true and because an apostle said it.
• help men be gentlemen. expect them to open doors for you. don't let them come over and just eat all your food, achem Mr. Popper.
• where are you facing? I should be always facing the temple. my goal is temple worthiness.

the most thought provoking statement in conference today came from a women who I have no idea who she is. but she asked, "what are you intentions?" that seems like a simple statement. but pair it with something you are doing right now. take, for instance, Mr. Popper. what were my intentions with him? I didn't know, so how I could I have really gone somewhere with it? or even schooling. people can ask what your major is. say you say oh its chemistry. cool. what do you hope to do with that? you say idk. what are your intentions?!?

our Gospel strives to have us be "anxiously engaged in a good cause" (Doctrine and Covenants 58:27). it is not saying to be just engaged in something, but in a good cause. I assume any intention worthwhile should be good. like, your intention should not be murdering or trying to hurt someone in some capacity. there is going to be intent behind "a good cause".

my goal from this conference is to find the intentions in the things I do. if they are "good" then I will continue striving to do that. if the intent is not good, it's out or I need to find a way to make the intention better.



p.s. I did talk to Mr. Popper. I am still digesting the info...update lates. aka later.

found poetry

I learned something in school today. what a delightful thing that is, right? I learned about found poetry. basically, you take phrases from other works and create a poem out of them. for instance, the one I am about to share is from my music library. I went through a lot of my songs and just made a poem. here it is.


All I Want

All I want, long way down.

Wait.

Stay with me, my moon.
When you sleep, pills n potions, strange things will happen.
On this night of a thousand stars,
I’d be surprisingly good for you.

In the morning,

Standing in the way of light.
What am I to you?
Enough for now.
Please don’t leave me.

Falling awake,

Always in my head, recycled air.
Hearts a mess.
One step at a time.
One, two step.
Save me.
I’ll find a way.
Waiting outside the lines.


I realized that this is how I am feeling right now. to me this poem says that I just need someone to mask my loneliness. and isn't that the truth.

so there is a man in my life. we will call him Mr. Popper. Mr. Popper is a great guy. we have been texting and cuddling and even kissing (queue the applause), but we have been on one date. and the date was ....well a bit uncomfortable. at least for me. maybe because I just don't do well in those serious types of situations. I feel weird getting attention on me, like, for me. anywho. Mr. Popper and I are good at communication. before we kissed he told me that he didn't want to just kiss girls if he didn't see something more long term. I can appreciate that because that has been my life motto. but idk why recently that motto has changed for me. probs because my momma told me to just kiss boys. but I appreciated what he had said and accepted it.

then he kissed me. now let me tell you, its been a while in that department. obvi. just read my past blog posts. it felt good. good to be wanted. but that is the thing. I have been struggling this week deciding if I like the feeling of being wanted or if I like the feeling of being wanted by him. specifically him. or would another man do the trick?

we also both expressed how we didn't now if we wanted to date each other exclusively. so we decided to just keep going with this and have fun while figuring things out. so we could date other people. the catalyst to this post, I suppose, is that fact that he told me while we were cuddling that he was going on a date the following day. objectively, I appreciate the honesty. truly I do. but the feeling that came after was sensation of weirdness. like. this is not a normal thing that I want in my life. I don't want to act like I am dating someone and hear about how they want me BUT still want to date other people. our theory of dating people and cuddling/kissing is great, until someone actually goes out on a date with someone else. that is just weird to me. I didn't think it would be weird until it happened. it made me think of this whole situation and why I am really in it. what is my intention with this kind of relationship?

this is what I have come to conclude. this makes me hate this whole process, because he is a great guy. I do have feelings for him, just not enough. at least I don't think. and I am sitting here on the verge of tears because I feel sad for the loss I am about to experience. the loss of someone wanting me. but I also feel like it is the right thing to do. as much as it sucks. I am not here to waste my time or his time.

I am having a hard time putting into words what I am trying to say because I don't even really know what I am trying to think. my head is a fishbowl and the fishes are the thoughts. there are like 1293847 little fishes just racing around in the fishbowl. I cant catch a thought long enough to process it or come to a conclusion of it. I feel crazy.

my deciding factor is that if I don't know now, after a month of talking and conoodling, it is a pretty good indicator of how I actually feel.

I want to be wanted by someone who wants me, not someone who wants me.... and any other girl he fancies.

so with this conclusion, I now have the delight of attempting to communicate something I don't even understand myself. I am going with my gut.

life is just so incredibly strange. wish me luck.

xoxo
kk