cheesecake bites...

I love frozen yogurt. More importantly, I love the cheesecake bites that you can put on top. I will choose a specific yogurt place because it has the cheesecake bites. There is just something about bitesized pieces of cheesecake. Basically, I dream about it. I think I get more cheesecake bites than the yogurt. Have I said cheesecake bites enough? Cheescake bites.

Point of the story. I won't settle for a yogurt place if it doesn't have cheesecake bites.

I dated a guy once who I knew was not what I needed. He didn't have the attributes that suited my personality. For instance, he wouldn't tease fight with me. I like to argue dumb things. He wouldn't do it. Or even get mad. I was always right. Even when I was wrong. I hated that. We wouldn't play. But I stuck with him because I thought, "who else is vying for my attention?" #spoileralert, no one. I liked the attention of him more than him. That was not fair to him. And especially me. I was settling. His yogurt shop was not offering any cheesecake bites. After a painfully awkward breakup a few days in to a family vacation where we were stuck on a houseboat; our relationship ended. I left his yogurt shop with no cheesecake bites or yogurt, but with a lesson learned. I should never settle.

Now that was three years ago. Let's get real for a sec, k? It's been three years since I have been in a real relationship, if you call what Mr. J and I had real. Sure on Fbook I am engaged to  Rufio Jones. A dog. Yes. There have been dates, but mostly first dates. Although it has been hard, like not eating a freshly baked batch of cookies hard, I know it will be worth it. Cause I will find that yogurt shop that has all the toppings I want and more. I just have to be patient and keep trying different places. It may surprise me what place has those cheesecake bites I crave so much.

So. Just as in my love of yogurt, I don't plan to settle for anything subpar. I thought I couldn't get anything but plain froyo, but that is dumb. I'm freaking awesome. And #oneday someone will see that. Until then, I will try me some every kinda frozen yogurt.

Dusting off...

You know how life always goes exactly how you plan? Me too. NOT. After graduating last year from college, I thought I was going to move to New York and become the next big editor (which if you actually read my posts is pretty funny because I don't even edit my own stuffs). Turns out, I was too big of a baby to make the move, transition to a new place where I literally would have no one to fall back on. I also did not want to do ten years of grunge work, queue Ryan Reynolds in The Proposal, to get to a place I would actually enjoy. So after traveling through Europe with my best friend, I decided to fall back on an old high school plan: become a high school English teacher. How original, right? So here am I, now in Provo, Utah at the other BYU getting my teaching licence. And, more poignantly, a marriage licence.

Let's be real here. When I was but a mere age of twelve I believed in fairy tales, of love that works seamlessly and easily. Through the years, I witnessed my two older sisters go on several dates and with the older one having a cliche-Mormon-will-you-wait-for-me scenario. It turned out great for them and now with their three kids they couldn't be happier. The second oldest followed suit and had a remarkable story of getting dumped whilst on her mission in the Philippines only to have her future husband send her flowers on Valentine's Day that started their eternal happiness. Although Brian had to almost drag his wife to the alter after basically two years, their life has been so blessed with so many opportunities for them. Like how they both got accepted to prestigious UCLA programs by sheer miracle (they both very much deserved it because they are smart, but law school is hard to get into and Emily got chosen for a program that only two people get annually). And then there is Brandon. I have watched him seek after girls he is interested in, get hurt, get back up, and continue on. Even now he has a serious girlfriend who he has invited to try the ultimate test of the family vacation of Lake Powell (i broke up with a bf at LP two days before the trip ended).

Then there is me. Some days it feels as if there is no hope. Those are good days...just kidding. I understand there is a plan for me. It's just taking longer than I imagined when I was twelve. At that naive age I thought I would be fending off all dem boys. #spoileralert that didn't happen. I thought my life would be filled with writing missionaries and longing for the day they return and we get engaged and have a beautiful life together. Or going to a college where the motto is "BYU-I do". I didn't.

Now at 23 years of life as a single women in a community where I should be engaged/married/pregnant all I feel is discouraged. My life insecurities are attacking me as they once did in high school. Satan knows me too well and that is terrifying. I actually had a dream last night where I was at a restaurant and an older gentleman was commenting how I was still single because I was fat. Even in my dream I was bewildered that someone could be so rude, but I didn't cry in my dream because he said. I cried because I believed it. I know I am not fat. But still the thoughts creep in when I think why I am still single. It's an insecurity I think all us girls have.

And isn't that just stupid?

The world we live in is always telling women we are too fat, too skinny, love yourself, be bootylicious, embrace your curves, don't be a stiff or prude, embrace your sexuality and etc.

I am sad to report that it has taken me 23 years to figure out how to love my body and myself and even then the love is fragile and new. But this is a goal I know I am going to continue to explore. Life is too short to stress about the little things. And that is only one insecurity.

I am on a tangent. I digress.

I am still single. I am attempting to enjoy the little things on this journey of patience. Since I believe in eternal marriage, 23 years is not even anything. My roommate (Adj) and I are in the same boat. We both are frustrated, but determined to make the most of our lives. Our society (and by that i mean Mormon society) has tradition for being married young. Like most of my life, I have been an oddball, outcast, redheaded stepchild, but now I am seeing how this can be a good thing. Some days it is a stretch, but when that day does come and I find the person that wants to do dumb things with me, like having a singing contest in a crowd of people or sneak into a parade we don't belong in or binge watch Catfish on MTV, it will be worth it. All this loneliness will be put to use when its compared to my happiness with my future man. They will complement each other like cookies and milk.

Adj and I have a saying. At times I get so frustrated with it I want to punch her, but other times I really need that bit of hope. We love using hash tags, no naturally it involves a hash tag. Everyone needs a reminder sometimes that today might not be THE day, but it will eventually happen #oneday.

weird faces

 I met jef holms and did the classic make a weird face.... if you dont know who jef holms is, its cool. just google the Bachelorette.

this is jay leno and my making a weird face again.... : )

I shouldn’t be writing this blog post because I am frustrated.

I will, however, focus on what I did tonight. I went to a place called I-Jump. Sidenote, I don’t know why everything has an ‘I’ in front of it now. It is just weird. It was so much fun though! I cannot even describe. I went with a couple guys from my vball team this semester. They helped make it way fun. Basically, this place is covered with trampolines and sorts of. There are tramps that go into foam pits. Floors of tramps lined together. In the foam pit one I did a backflip! First one ever. I was so scared. I was jumping into a foam pit but I was still scared to death. Maybe not death, that is a little harsh. But nonetheless, I was scared. The first attempt I jumped and floated backwards and fluttered my hands and legs and landed on my back in the foam. It was pretty funny. They had a replay camera and I got to watch what I looked like. The second attempt I was jumping, got too close to the edge, and just sort of tumbled in. Right after that I nailed it. Landed straight on my feet. I think I would have been a good gymnast if I stuck with it and got over my fear of being scared of hurting myself. Seriously, gymnasts have not fear whatsoever. I got pretty pro as backflips in the pit. My next goal was to do a front handspring. I did it. I then decided to have a race around the trampolines with my friend Joel. The first race a little girl ran out in front of him and he took her out. Then I tripped over one of the mats that covers the springs. The second race, I tripped over the mat thing again! But at least I took Joel out with me. The third race I flat out tripped over the mat again. I took no one out. I laughed pretty dang hard. Overall it was a great night.

                                                                                                                                                

I get to go home on Wednesday. I could not be more thrilled. I need to just recollect myself. The same struggles are creeping up on me again. It is so frustrating to thing that I have overcome the struggles and self-doubts, but then BOOM they are back in an instant no questions asked. It is all good though. My life is great. I really have no room for complaints, only gratitude. 

Heroes

I am obsessed with the show “Heroes”. If you have not watched it, you should. If you don’t want to, don’t. I’m glad that I can watch this whole series without having to wait each week.

Let’s see. Life is fine. I have so much to be grateful for. I am so grateful for losing. Eh I hate it, but I love it. For some reason I am supposed to build character about losing. I’d like to say for the record that I have soooo much character. Gahl it is insane sometimes. So recap this past weekend quickly, both my volleyball teams lost. My girls team I was on was not a super hard pill to swallow that we lost, but my guys team was. I was so close AGAIN to winning with the team I coached. The guys lost on the same court we lost last semester. The team we lost to was not even super great, which AGAIN is frustrating. But I took it like a man. I swallowed my pride and smiled. I took losing with grace. The girls team I was on I thought from the beginning of the season we were going to be the worst. After the first practice...and the second... I was convinced that was true. Then we had a tournament. I then thought that we could win. We fought hard and then we lost. I was so upset. It brought me back to my glory losing days of high school volleyball. I have so much character.

I was also sick this past week. I get nasty colds. Man. All my life I thought I was resistant to colds, but alas in the past few years they have rocked me like a hurricane. Like the song reference? But, really. I could not breathe.

I am going home tomorrow for thanksgiving and I need it! I just have to get away and recoup a little. Get some strategies and such. I need to capture a man. I have to get a net and literally just capture him. There is no specific him, but I do need a him. I feel like this is a righteous desire.

Other than these things nothing is really going on. Just trying to get through life.

In the meantime, I hope your life is good. Mine is good too.

Xoxo

kk

progress i guess

On a happy note, here are my results. I never realized how gross I looked before, sorry not gross. Just unhealthy. So here is my goodbye to those 9 ¾ inches. Peace out and never come back.

I would not say I am stuck in life, more that I am progressing really slowly. I am truly trying to progress like the gospels says. I just don’t feel like it. But I have progressed physically as well as mentally. I think I grow up more and more every day in both senses. I also see how I am turning in to my mom more and more. I have come to this conclusion several times, all of which result in me crying. Like seriously. Those who know me personally know that I do not, or try not, to cry in public. I like to keep emotions to myself. I guess that is selfish, but I do it.

There have been several instances where I have started to tear up.  A couple of weeks ago I was helping Sarah drop her brother off at the MTC. From previous experience I have learned that one cannot simply drop someone off at the MTC without crying. That is impossible. So I offered to drive down with her to the MTC so she would not have to drive alone home alone. First we had to pick up her brother at the airport and while we were there two missionaries were coming home from their missions. As soon as I saw the elders embrace their mothers and family I started to tear up. I just remember when my brothers and sister came home and how spiritual and joyful it was. It is such a sweet experience to see them accomplish such a feat. I mean, giving yourself to the Lord fully for two years is intense. I cannot imagine how many days it could feel so difficult to keep going.

The second time literally just happened to me. I was reading my sisters blog and she was talking about how Cooper, her son, still snuggles with her. He is 5. To quote her blog she said, “Yester we were laying down having some quiet time in my bed (which we routinely do) and I felt him move my pillow so he could move his head on my shoulder. To be adored by your oldest son is something I will always cherish...all I could see when I looked at him was my tiny baby smiling at me, looking up at my eyes with his big blue ones”. I hope one day to have this relationship with my children. Hopefully soon I can start my family. This simple gesture by the Cooper-duper-super-fly-man made me cry. I miss them. I miss all of my cheese boys.

My other sister is pregnant with twins right now and she has asked me to be her doula. At first I had no idea what the heck that was. Basically it is an assistant to the midwife. I am going to help her with her labor. I am sincerely humbled that Natalie thought of me. We think alike. She told me I will be able to calm her down in ways that we both can understand. I hope I can live up to her standards. I am going to research and try to be the best that I can. This little gesture has got me thinking about becoming a midwife. I have always been fascinated with birth ever since I have watched my eldest sister give birth. I think it is amazing how a baby can be born. It is just insane. 

So that is my life for now. This weekend I have my volleyball tournaments for my guys team and girls team. Hopefully, we can both get to the championships...and hopefully we will win!

xoxox

gg

sort of new post....

Hooooo kay. Well lets just recap. No funny business....straight to the bullet points.
- I am a p90x grad! No big deal or anything....but I lost 9 ¾ inches over my whole body. So crazy weird. I knew the changes weren’t going to be crazy drastic, but 9 inches is pretty intense. I do see the results so I am pretty pumped for that. now it is just maintaining and continuing in my journey.
- Speaking of continuing, I am almost through Insanity. Let me tell you, the name is fooor reallsy. Like literally I think to myself that I am crazy for doing these things. Just plain crazy. But it is fun. I like doing these kinda workouts. Just to push myself. I highly suggest it to anyone!
- Went to lake powell and it was a delight. We hiked this trail called cathedral canyon. It was like a ropes course. First we had to shimmy up a crack, later we found out we could rock climb up the side which was precarious, then we had to climb a rope up like a 20 foot wall. With just a rope. Straight up wall. The next task was rock climbing up another wall. But this one was a waterfallish. It was like 8 feet high. There were little toe stubs to climb up. Brandon got up successfully and then helped everyone else up. the 8 foot waterfall acted like a slide so when you fell it was just a slide. Pretty cool. Then we had to walk in SCORCHING hot sand. All of us did not have shoes on. So we sprinted soo fast through the sand. It was worth it though. The end was this huge bowl shaped rock that was hundreds of feet tall. During a storm a waterfall cascades down. I wish I could have seen that. but I loved that hike.
- So lp was great as usual. I did a power slide. Ballin!
- Then I got to go home. Home is always nice.
- Surprise! I then got to go to new York! It was so fun. I hung out with my mom the whole time and it was a good bonding experience. We were there for 4 nights and we saw 5 plays. Literally my best thing ever. We saw Mary Poppins, Evita, Voca People and my favorites Newsies and Once.
- Lotoja
- Back in school! Volleyball! I am coaching and playing so imma be crazy!
- I don’t feel like typing....sooo lates man. Lates.

my garden has a tree in it that another puppy wants to pee on...

Sunday I had the opportunity to listen to one of my friends, Quinten, analogies. Man this one was a dooozy. I was a garden. I had a tree in my garden. But there was a puppy that wanted to pee on my tree that was in my garden. That’s the gist of it. You try to figure it out.

So the p90x has been solid since the beginning of the semester. I love the program, but I am excited to finish it and have a break. I am even more excited to start it again in the fall…..

Speaking of the fall, I have decided to stay up at school even though I am off track. I was weighing the pros and cons and I really think that staying up here will be best. I haven’t written out my pros and cons so I guess this is a good time as ever

Cons:
Wont be home
Will live in Rexburg
School for like 5 semesters in a row
Some friends are leaving
Might not get into the apt I want
My dogs wont be here
My family wont be here
I wont have a job
And probably more…but that’s all I can think of right now

Pros:
Class I take now will take a load off my last two semesters.
I wont have to have a stupid job
Better social scene
Competitive volleyball
My friends are here
My ward is awesome
A certain boy will be here in the fall….
An plenty more

So that’s the list. It seems that the cons are larger, but the gravity of the pros outweighs the cons. At least I think. It is weird to make these decisions. Its weird that I am 21, oh bee tee dubs I had a bday recently. Thanks for telling me happy birthday….but I think I realize that I need to trust the Lord. Work with him. I am making this decision with good faith that it is the right one. If it turns out to be wrong, then the Lord will let me know. I am going in this direction for now though. Hopefully I can get into the same apt as sarah or else that would suck. Slash I hope I can get in the ridge in general. I am on the waiting list, which sucks. I wish I knew earlier that I was going to stay up here, but oh well.

I was looking at other housing and there is nowhere else I would want to live… so I really really hope I can live at the ridge.

Lets see… tomorrow I will float down a river for like 4 hours. Great day to be in ‘Merica. Land of the fre’.
I went on a date the other night. That’s where the whole garden and tree thing comes to play. Figure it out yet? Anywho. My roommate tells me she think he really likes me. I am unsure yet of how I feel. I don’t know him very well and there are only 2 and a half weeks left in the semester. So not looking for a last chance hook up.

Anyway. 2 and a half weeks til I am home, 3 and a half weeks til I am at lake powell. So pumped its insane.

Xoxo

GG