change is hard = biggest understatement of the year

There are a few things in life I know with surety.

• I know that Christ is the Savior of the world and that He died for us that we may have eternal happiness
• I know that cupcakes are always a good choice
• I know that I love my fiance
• I know that people are good
• I know that instrumental music is super successful in putting me in an uplifting mood
• I know that my knowledge of the Bachelor is far more than it needs to be
• I know that I have a hard time coping with change

The last point is what I truly need to write about. I cannot figure out my thoughts and writing somehow helps me with that. Thus, my need. My life is changing in so many capacities, I feel like a balloon that is being fed too much air, ready to explode. Yesterday, I could not breathe I felt so overwhelmed. I do not want to be dramatic, but I would try to calm myself down and then keel over overwhelmed with thinking about everything.

So yes, my life is not being threatened by some warmonger. Nor am I in poverty, fighting for my life daily. Nor have I lost a loved one at a tragic age.

I have been blessed. #whitegirlproblems So blessed that I feel silly for having these emotions. That is how I have felt my entire life; I have so much, why would I ever dare complain or let myself feel emotions that seems silly compared to the travesties that are ever present across the world.

Part of me is saying, “Suck it up!” And another part is responding, “That’s what she said!” And then another part, a quiet part, is saying that my problems still matter. And another part, screaming, is saying, “other people have it worse.”

Which one do I listen too? How can I appease all of these thoughts? Is one wrong?

My comfy life is changing, though not to an uncomfortable one. A different one. I am just changing from one role in life to another. Well, adding another role which alters my other roles.

I am getting married! Ring all the bells, celebrate at all the parties! This girl has finally found the guy for her. I am ecstatic! Honestly. (seriously, Michael, when you read this, I am excited for forever with you)

Marrying someone not only changes my status, from Beyonce’s number one single to Etta James’ “At last”), but it also changes my role. It boils down to this.

Pre-marriage: I account to myself

Marriage: I have to account to another person.

I am ok with that! I love thinking of what he needs and trying my best to cater to those needs. I love him and desire to make him happy at all times. I try. I fail. I try again. I succeed. I try. I fail. And so on. But now I have to think past just him, but also his family’s needs. I am fine with that... until I think about how sometimes I have to give up parts with my family.

This is where I cannot breathe.

My life’s role has been a role of support. I like to support my family in any way they need. Help my mom clean the hose up after a party when everyone else is doing something else or forgets, babysit for my sisters for free, pick up flowers for the house in a three hour drive, I drive cars for my dad and brothers 10 hour bike races. I like that role. I like being available to help my family. Scratch that. I love being able to help my family. I love being with my family for those little moments, some that I can never repeat or have again. Serving them helps me show how much I love them.

This is where I cannot breathe.  

I have to split my time now. I cannot just think of my family. I have two others to consider, Michael’s family and Michael and I’s family.

This is where I cannot breathe.

His family is just as important as mine. There is the change. I cannot be all that I was for my family now. Or at least I think I cannot. How can I be this ever-present aunt when I will be hundreds of miles away from my cheeseboys? How can I be a wonderful sister or daughter? Yes, I have lived away from home during college, but I was transient. I could go back anytime.

This is where I cannot breathe.

I cannot just leave all the time and it will only get harder and harder as children come to have that physical (as in being in the same place) relationship with my family.

“I wish you could just live here,” my sweet eight-year-old nephew, Cooper.

This is where I cannot breathe.

It is not the first time he said it, he has said it a few times and so has his brother. It kills me every time. Makes me keel over. They are only ever going to be children once and I will miss it.

This is where I cannot breathe.

I need to be selfish, but I do not want to. I need to think of my new family unit with Michael, but I do not want to let my old one slip away. My new family I am making needs to come first and I am terrified.

This is where I cannot breathe.

What if I cannot do that?

I believe I can... but I am terrified of what I am losing, going numb to what I am missing out on back with my family. Not having my family there for my big moments like I was there for theirs. I want them there. I need them there.

I am gaining an eternal companion, my best friend I get to have for literally ever. There are so many blessings attached to this and I have been waiting since I was 12 for this. I am marrying into a beautiful family. What a great gift!

#whitegirlproblem And I am complaining.

sorry to interject...

People shorten my name all the time. I introduce myself as Kimberly and they always respond within a minute with calling me Kim. It makes my smile falter as if I needed all the syllables in my name to hold up the corners of my mouth. When I do not have those three distinct tones and am divided by three turning into one syllable, I can only hold a third of a smile.

He asked what I like to be called. I said the three syllables. When referring to me, I only heard three syllables. Sometimes I would hear just one and then a rushed added two. His sideways glances to see if I noticed were met with the smile that he always had me wearing; there was no flinch of hearing his stutter. I appreciated more that he remembered and added, rather than divide and let that solution stand.

After a while, his stutters became more frequent and his corrections less prevalent. The muscles that made up the corner of my mouth were conditioned, so they held the three point smile. But with each lost syllable, some muscle memory lost itself too.

short story intro...trying to keep it fresh, yeah?

Preferences. Everyone has them. Admit it! You prefer something over something whether it is soup over salad, cookies over cookie dough (but let’s be real, just eat both), pants over skirts...whatever it may be, you have a preference.

Our society is, in general, a people pleasing unit. Now, there are selfish people, but I mean people pleasing in the sense that people are often too apologetic, especially about their preferences. We have all done it, “Sorry to interrupt,” “I apologize for being ‘that’ person, but…” Why are we apologizing for something we like? What does “that” person mean and why is “that” person bad? You are not living for other people --in the sense that it is your life--you live for you.

So stop apologizing for every little thing. It kind of wastes what an apology is.

Let us define apology.

Apology: a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure

OR

a very poor or inadequate example of

Should we regret to tell someone of a preference? Or feel like a failure for having a preference? Or claim that our opinion is inadequate? No, that is not how it should work. And yet, we apologize all the time for it! We are basically apologizing for being ourselves. And I am not ok with that. Seriously.

I have been told that I am too considerate…which I guess is a bad thing cause people tell that to me with this look on their face that resembles pity slash concern. I had always been offended by this. How is me feeling concerned for other people a bad thing? I have been realizing lately, that it is not a bad thing, but it is when that overtakes what I prefer. That is a big realization for me. When I look back on my life, I can name too many times when I did something because it was not what I wanted, but what another person wanted. Which is funny--tangent--because when I was in elementary school I was the most bossy child ever to have ruled Oak Park Elementary. I even made the Tetherball Hierarchy turn into a Monarchy because I was the champion and wanted a queen to rule forevermore. I ruled from 1st grade until 3rd, to which I only stepped down because I moved. 

Anyway.

It is good to do what other people want, I am not saying that you should never do what other people want, if your intentions should are for good reason. There just is a fine line. When you let someone else dictate your decisions because you are being too conscientious of how they feel or --I daresay-- apologetic of your own feelings, it is not right. (there are obvious caveats here that I am aware of. of course there are exceptions, I am not pretending there are not)

Feelings are real and everyone who knows me--like really knows me--knows I have a lot of them, but I hate to talk about them. But that does not mean they are not real! They count just the same as the person’s who is asking what I want for dinner or if I prefer the green couch in their new living room or the yellow one. They are both ugly beeteedubs.
I am a coward when it comes for standing up for my preferences. I cannot proudly say that I am an unapologetic person. It is hard for me say what I mean (kudos for Michael for his patience and willingness to make me his bride) and it takes baby steps. Just the other day I was faced with having to not apologize for my preference and the person--I should say doctor--made me feel like I was an idiot for having these feelings. That is not ok. My preference was justifiable but disagreeable to her, yet she was making me feel bad about what I felt. As soon as I got in my car, I cried. Not a cute cry where the person drips a tear or two as rain softly drops on their car. It was my ugly cry that forces me to take refuge in my closet. No okay.

So, here is my statement. Be sincere about your apologies. Meaning, only give them when you are sorry or else any apology you want to be sincere is now void and meaningless.

And say what you want. This life is yours and it is silly to not do with it what you want. Unless it is murder. Then that is not silly; rather, it is very serious. Go see a psychiatrist.

Here is my list of unapologetic things:

• I know that Christ is the Savior of the world

• I love Michael
• My family will always be my top priority
• I enjoy eating medium rare steaks
• No, I do not want to go out tonight. I do not want to be social
• Marriage is between a man and a woman. Anything else is cannot be defined as marriage
• Silence is sometimes the only way I know how to respond; it does not mean I am not thinking. It is actually quite the opposite. It also does not mean I am mad
• Steamed carrots and ketchup is quite delicious
• I can eat anything, but I prefer if something is prepared the way I want it to be
• Dragons were real at some point in history.

So there are a few things. Obvi there are more, but totes cannot think of any more right now. Life is too short to not be what you want it to be, but you have to make it that way.

#oneday

remember how I overused #oneday in really cheesy ways that were meant to inspire and uplift? well guess what?

#oneday  #june11

obviously there is a lot, and I mean a lot, that you, my many dedicated followers, have missed out on. don't you worry your pretty little mind, I am going to update you! Cue the bullet points! (aka timeline)

May (the meeting)

• 22-25 - remember how I went to Havasupai? yeah me too! It was sweet. remember how I shared a tent with two rando guys? Me too....vividly. remember how one of those men asked me out on a date? 
  
  if you look in the corner, you can see him

• 29 - first date. his work schedule straight up sucked. basically, he worked until 11 every night. not much time for night dates, yeah? nonetheless, we went out a night he got of earlier. he came up to my apartment and I was nervous. I mean, sure I had slept (said loosely) with this kid, but I didn't really know him. so we just talked a little and then we decided we should go do something. so I said, well why don't we go on a walk up Rock Canyon? I mean we both like to hike...and that is how we met...so...and it was agreed. we hiked up to a cool little cave, I got winded, so I was trying to take silent, but huge breaths because this kid basically wasn't breathing. not kidding. he was a track star in high school and ran for a university. so yeah, he wasn't really breathing. we talked for an hour and it was a beautiful night. then we went to his car and let me tell you, we talked some more. I think we stayed up until like 2 in the morning just talking. 

June (twists and turns and more turns)

this is where the story gets weird. but every relationship has weird stuff and it is me. so what would you expect? so we text and snapchat after our first date and its all fine. in my head, I just wanted to hang out with this kid because I was interested, but he was always working. it made me furious! so I would snapchat things to make him not jealous, per-say, but stuff to make him a little mad that he is missing out. the other guy who was in the tent is his best friend and I was friends with him, so I would hang out with his best friend. basically I was a butthead. 

• 1 - so we find a time after he gets off work to go walk to a park. now, I was interested in this kid, but I was not interested in the physical stuff yet. I was still seeing how interested I was. needless to say, I was on edge. I did not want to lead him on (like the Merman did me) and I did not want to take things to physical (like Mr. Popper) before I knew if I liked him. so this date was awkward. he felt it. I felt it. the mosquitoes felt it (that is why they bit us 12938478 times) weird date on both ends, but not weird enough where I was out. 
• he def thought I was not interested
• 5 - with his best friend, Housty, we went to these cool caves. just the three of us having a good time exploring. all was well. then we were gonna play halo afterwards, all three of us. but then, Housty decided he was tired...or he was trying to wingman, I still do not have a straight story. but then it was just Michael and I. I did mention his name right? well...it is Michael. so we traveled to his parents house (he was living there for the summer) to play halo. it was late and I was tired, but I did not know the next time I would see him and I hadn't played halo in a while and I really wanted to play. again, I was on guard because of all the park reasons. but I did not find this night awkward, but later Michael told me he had not idea what I was doing. 
• 8 - I decided I liked Michael enough to kiss him. so I made it as obvious as possible. it was late and I asked if he wanted to watch a movie. so we went to his parents house again late. we chose mission impossible: ghost protocol. I did not care to watch the movie. the whole time I was just trying to figure out why he was not making a move. towards the end of the movie, I laughed and leaned forward and he put his arm behind me. I was still laughing though, so I did not sit back right away. he retracted it. darn. so I fake laughed, I am such an actress, and leaned forward again. he took the bait and left his arm there. I shot back, almost breaking his arm. not really, but that sounds more dramatic. then we cuddled for the last five minutes of the movie. no joke. it was literally the last five minutes. he was asleep most of the movie beeteedubs. then I just could not take it anymore. I decided to be forward and look up at him. mission accomplished. 
• 10 - I had a dream of best friends dating best friends. so I made Michael ask Housty to ask Sarah on a double date. we went to the cave thing that we did the same night as the halo debacle. 
• best friends dating best friends did not work out.
• 15 - this is where I freaked out. I knew I liked Michael. But he asked me to go to a movie with his entire family. I will, actually, Michael will be the first to admit that I freaked out. I mean, someone get on my side. it was with his whole family....that is a lot right? I thought so. So I told him no. But then I realized that is was just a movie, I would not really have to meet them yet. So I said yes. but then I said no. and then ten minutes before the movie started, I said yes. he did not have his phone, so I actually did not go. I just looked liked a fool.

the rest of June just consisted of us hanging out and just having fun. we hiked and just spent every second of the day possible together. oh and me accepting a job in Arizona, while he was committed to an internship in Utah. 

July (the real fun)

• 2-3 - so I got a boil. if you do not know what that is or have never had one, neither had I. I had no idea what was going on with my face. but a huge thing started to boil (i see what they did there) up on my chin. I looked crazy. I felt gross. and Michael still liked me. that is when I knew he was special. he liked me through a boil. anyway. Michael, me, his friends, my friends and my boil went camping at Payson lakes. gorg. great time. I remember walking with him around the border of the lake, hand in hand, thinking that this was pleasant. ok. that sounds lame...but it was comfortable. he made me feel comfortable. which is huge for me. it is had for me to feel comfortable in front of someone I care about. this guy was different. 

• I cannot stress enough how gross the boil was. I had never had one before or one since (fingers crossed)
• 4 - we went to the stadium of fire with his family (i met them!...well before that). Journey was the main act and Michael loves Journey. like loves them. as I was watching him sing and dance along to Journey, I remember looking at him and thinking that this guy was different. this is where I think I started to fall in l-o-l-o-l-o-l-o-v-e.
• 15 - or as I like to call it, D-Day. I was moving to AZ at the end of the month and he was staying in Utah. were we going to long distance it? today was the day we talked about that. I knew I wanted to try it because he knew my eye color. right when he was asked, he said it. we decided to just keep dating because it was going good, why stop it now? which, let me tell, was terrifying. that meant the possibility of getting hurt. I hate that. but, this guy was different.
• 18 - I asked him if he was my bf. totes.
• 20-22 - we went to Moab to rappel. Michael loves to rappel. I could take it or leave it. I really just hate harnesses. they make everyone's butt's look weird. ever heard of a quadbutt? obvi that was the joke of the trip. oh, Michael got 123984 bug bites. 
• 24 - it was time for me to move to AZ. I was stopping home first and I asked Michael if he wanted to come down for a couple of days and meet my family. big step, huh? guess what. he hesitated too! I am not the only one! HA! on the morn of me leaving, I went to say goodbye to his family. I said bye, gave him a hug and he said, "be safe driving home....with me" I punched him. he still got in the car. we were both terrified, but we drove home. it was a looooong drive. also, Michael farted. 
• 25 - it was a short trip with my family, but one night Michael and I were really tired. he more so. and he let slip, "I think I'm going to marry you"

August (the beginning of long distance relationship....yippee)

these are going to be brief, because there could be so much packed into this, but these are the highlights. These are moments that made me realize this relationship was something different. this guy was different. 

• 2 - "what if the next time you see me, I gained 25 pounds?" "Honestly, at this point it wouldn't matter because I like you too much"
• 6-8 - visited at Sand Hollow. we brought each other small gifts. I gave him a picture of me to put on his desk (havasupai waterfall) and he gave me a book mark that said ,"to the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world," I am a sucker for quotes. this guy was different. 
  
• 14 - "I hope you come to a point where you see you how I see you"

September

• 4 - went to the wrong airport to pick up Michael
• 7 - "I'm terrified. I love you" "I know" (best girlfriend to quote star wars at him -he loves loves loves loves star wars) "I love you"
• 19 - "I won the lottery" "I am just waiting for you to realize how amazing you are and seeing that other people think that too. Hoping you'll stay with me"
• 23 - temple confirmed that he was the one for me
• 25 - trip to vegas, where slim pants were victorious! 

October 

• 9 - surprised him by coming a day early for a visit
• 15 - kanaraville falls. the car ride there, I knew he was the man for me. we had a who-could-make-a-weirder-noise contest for about a half hour. bless our passengers. 
• 18 - before I left to go back to AZ. "I got you something and I am nervous to give it to you" "should I be nervous" (cause I was) "no. but since I can't be engaged with you yet..." he bought me an infinity necklace. I wear every day. 

November

• endured 5.5 weeks of not seeing each other. it was a rough 5.5 weeks. but then we had thanksgiving together. luckily, my family was going to utah so I got to see him and my family. he also got to play with my nephews and nieces. i needed to see him with kiddos. and he excelled. 

December

• 21 - hale center theater. A Christmas Carol. in front of my whole family. perfect. 

and so here we are now. waiting until we can reunite in June. I guess #oneday still applies...cause I still have to wait.

But here is what I know.

I love this man. He makes me feel more comfortable than anything I have ever experienced. He makes me laugh. He comforts me. He makes me feel beautiful even when I feel gross. He is my best friend, my confidant. I can tell him literally everything and I do. Even if it is kinda gross. Nothing is off limits. He shows how much he cares for me through his actions and his words. I always know he loves me even if he is annoyed with me. I am so lucky to call him mine on June 11 and then for eternity.

#oneday #june11 #babewait

havaSUPai

I can say that I am a person who just does things. If I want to do something, I will do it. Like that time I wanted to see The Lego Movie and no one else did. So. I just saw it. By myself. In an empty theater. Well, it was empty until a black guy showed up and sat two seats away from me. I mean out of all the empty seats in the theater, he chose the one almost in the nearest proximity to me. Then he left halfway through the movie. I guess everything wasn't awesome for him...Or there was this other time where I just went on a hike. I met an old man named Dan and we hiked for three hours together. It was a delight. Everyone just told me it was sketchy, but man did I love Dan...Point being. I do things.

So this last weekend, I did something. I hiked to Havasupai Falls in Arizona. Now, let me preface this by saying that I have never backpacked before, camped without my dad or have hiked more than 7 miles. I am proud to say that I did all of those things and then some.This hike was sponsored by a guy who just creates these adventures and invites people. This was a group of around 50. I knew one person who was going. I wasn't convinced to go, but then two weeks before the trip, I remembered my Grandma Faun saying how I should go because I am young and will never have this opportunity to do something like this ever again. She is right. I am so grateful for her advice. Honestly, old people know what's up. Let's break it down.

• I backpacked for the first time in my life. I had to pack my bag. I had to figure out how I was going to feed myself. I had to figure out how to cook the food I prepared. I had to carry it all on my back. I had to hike with it on my back for ten miles. Luckily, I have friends from whom I could borrow a backpack and a tent. ***notice how I did not say sleeping bag. this will be talked about later***
• Out of the fifty people going, I knew one person. One. And I basically did not even see her the entire trip.
• It rained. every. single. day. turns out, my tent is not waterproof. It is water resistant, but not proof. So I was very excited when I was setting up my tent and proud that I accomplished something. Then it started raining and I was soon sitting in a puddle. I was laughing at the people getting drenched and then I was humbled, slowly as it seeped all around me.
• I stole a tent. Well, not really, but really. People leave stuff behind at the campground all the time. So I took what someone left behind. A tender mercy. It was a three person tent. So I asked the rain soaked boys that I just met if they wanted to share the tent with me. They obliged. (obvi. they would be sharing a tent with me. like, who wouldn't?)
• I did not bring a sleeping bag. Every site I saw when researching this trip told me I did not need to bring a sleeping bag because it would be so hot, I could just layer up my clothes. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. Wrong in your weeny. Well, for the first two nights. It was freezing and I was cold. Luckily, I shared a tent with two guys and their body heat helped it be warmer in the tent. No, I did not have to snuggle with either of them for warmth. Thanks for asking. But one of them did have a space blanket that, as the moon is my witness, it kept me remarkably warm--er. Warmer than if I did not have it.
• fun fact. one of these boys asked me out and we have been talking. I'm a charmer...even in my sleep.
• I hiked out ten miles. Now, that is not a very far distance. The hike in was ten miles downhill. So that meant the hike out was ten miles up hill. I felt that uphill at around mile 5.7. And then I felt it even more every step in the last two miles. The last two miles is a steep uphill with a ton of switchbacks. I mean, you literally have to climb out of the Grand Canyon. You are traversing a canyon wall, of course it is going to be steep. But I did it. I could have helicoptered out, and you better believe I thought about it. I could have rode a horse or even had my pack carried by a mule. But no. I did it. I was a She-hulk. A She-wolf. Easily the hardest thing I have ever done physically.

Those were the struggles of the trip. But it was all worth it. Seriously. I have weighed it in my head. The pros and cons. They came close, but it was worth it. A strange experience, but an adventure.

• The waterfalls were AMAZING. I felt like I was in Hawaii, but I was in the bottom of the Grand Canyon in the middle of the desert. I can only describe how cool it was by my pictures. So please, take my word for it through my pictures.

 

my tent, preflood

'Murica

my favorite hike down to the following waterfall

nameste

can you see me?

the most beautiful place I have ever eaten a pb&j

I work every runway

the cool climb, remember?

we're following the leader...

*not hawaii

everything the light touches will be yours...so nothing. cause it rained all weekend. But this is the top of the canyon before we climbed down.

I mean, I wasn't lying was I?

You plan your trip, save a spot for me!

xoxo GG

chapter closed

For my posterity, do not drag something on longer than it needs to be. When you read this post, talk to me and I will tell you the story. It is not something for me to put online. Mainly because I am just moving on from it and not looking back.

Ask me what happened on the eve of my 24 birthday and how I entered my 24 year.

Hint hint...I entered it, leaving the baggage at the door of 23.

oh deer!

So a few weeks ago I want on a 24 hour scavenger hunt type thing. We went all over Salt Lake City down through Provo and on to Moab and a little further. Well, at around three thirty in the AM, my teammate an I were in the front seat of the van. We had been in the race around ten hours going nonstop.

We were tired and everyone else in the car was sleeping. I was in the passenger seat and Tyler was driving. He had had a couple redbulls or monsters, some sort of caffeine. Basically, he was pretty wired. I was pretty tired. We were in the middle of nowhere heading to Hanksville, Utah. Tyler saw that I was tired and told me it was alright if I wanted to take a little nap. Thinking it would be better for the later on if I took a little snoozer, I tried to get comfy. I was tired, but I couldn't sleep because I was not comfy. I also felt like I should not sleep. After about five minutes of not getting comfy and feeling like I needed to be awake, I opened my eyes and decided not to sleep.

A few minutes later, I saw a shadow on the side of the road. It was moving. We were barreling down this deserted highway at like 75 mph, if not faster. I started saying, calmly, "oh my gosh." Just then Tyler saw the same thing, but a little different. He saw the shadow that was following the shadow I saw. There were two deer! Tyler, very calmly, just slowly went between the two deer.

We. Went. Between. The. Two. Deer.

The deer on my side of the road was so close, I could have rolled down my window and kissed its nose, which I would have wanted to do had I been thinking more quickly. After that, the entire car was wide awake.

It was a miracle.

"Make that of it what you will" (Peace Like a River by Leif Enger).

btw...everyone should read this book. it is fantastic.

a moment

So I got my nephew a book for Christmas. The book is called, "Mustache Baby." Basically. This baby has a mustache and it's hilarious. Anyway. He opened it on Christmas and because it was just a book, he put it to the side, obviously not as excited as he was for other gifts.

It kinda bothered me. But, hey, he is four. What is he supposed to do?

Fast forward to right now. I saw him for the first time since Christmas. After about an hour of us playing together, he goes, "Kimmy. You know that book you got me for Christmas? I love it. It is so funny. We read it every night."

Then he giggled. He had the biggest smile on his face.

That is a tender mercy of the Lord. A miracle. A pat of the back. A moment.

In a moment, everything can change. A day can go from great to bad. Weather can shift from stormy to sunny. The cookies in the oven can go from doughy to burnt.

Life is full of moments, good and bad and stuff in between. We remember the moments.

Sure, it would be great if life were only full of good moments, but then how would we know if we actually had a good moment if we have never had a bad one or the stuff in between.

"If life were only [good] moments, then you'd never know you had one" (Into the Woods).

And we can't only live in the moments, you need to let the moments go. They are not meant to be lived in forever. A star athlete in high school can't live in the glory days forever.

"Don't forget it for a moment though."

Memories are there, ready to be replayed in our minds. These intangible moments will be with us forever. Reflecting back on the moments is ok as long as we don't miss the next one coming.

My nephew will move on to new books, toys, activities, but I will savor this moment in my mind when I brought him joy. I will grow with him and try to find a new way that we can have another moment together. Another memory.

Look for the next moment to come because sometimes you are too long in one moment to realize that your next moment has already begun.

It's funny, eh?

glass in the air

You know how when you are holding a casserole dish, or a wine glass (in my case a sparkling cider glass), or a mug or anything glass. Fragile. And then you trip. The glassware slips out of your hand and for a moment you are suspended in time. Waiting. The glass twinkles in the light. You are stranded in motion, waiting for the consequence. Will the glass shatter? You think of your surroundings. Tile or wood or carpet or vinyl? Five foot drop. Four feet? Is there an attempt to catch it? Or would you simply just hit the glass more and further secure its demise.

All you can do is wait. Wait for the silence to end with a shatter or a thud. Either way, you dropped the glassware. Whatever outcome comes, comes because you slipped. Comes because you thought you could hold on to five things at once. Popcorn in one hand. Glassware in another. Your teeth securing a Kit Kat bar. King size. A soda balanced in your armpit and a blanket draped over your head, dragging on the ground.

And this moment of suspension, this moment where your life either goes from an accident to a rough landing or an accident to a shattered attempt at stability, is never ending.

You are stuck until gravity takes hold, ripping you slowly.

time...

Time is a subject that when I think about it a lot...it hurts my head. To preface this, I believe in and eternal God and to Him, time is not a factor. Think about that. Time not mattering. It is a thought that just makes smoke come out of my ears because my brain blew a circuit. So when I think about our Earth life, our time to be tested, this time truly counts. Since I believe in eternal life, a life that has no regard for time, this instance is my only timed time. Bear with me...if I can bear with myself.

So if this time we have on Earth is the only time that matters, why are we wasting it? I have been thinking about this a lot in the last few weeks as I started as a student teacher, which is going alright beeteedubs. Half of my day is spent at school, 7:30-3:00. That is time that I give for my students, my future job. But when I get home, that is my time. So what have I been doing?

3:15-3:30 - get home
3:15-4:00 ish - eat a bowl of cereal while watching a tv show
4:00 -5:00- workout
5:00- 9:30ish maybe watch a show while I make dinner, shower, see friends.
9:30ish-10:00ish - read scriptures and get ready for bed
10:30 (hopefully) - go to bed

That is my life and I think it is pretty good. Some days I am better at keeping to this than others. Add in the occasional trip to the grocery store. But I have realized that as I have a busier schedule, the priorities of what I want in my day changed. I don't have time to watch tv for hours. I don't have the energy to stay up super late and get up as early as I do. I have to choose what is important.

The steady thing that has been an importance in my day is working out. This may seem crazy to some people because by 4 I am already wanted to go to bed or just sit. But I have found that my night is far more productive when I workout. Working out is like taking a nap. I do not care that it is obsessive of me to have to workout every day. It is something that I need and I believe that that's a good thing. It's not like I am doing drugs or whatever. And yes, working out doesn't make me stick thing, but that's not why I do it. I do it because I want to live longer. I want to be a good example for my nieces and nephews. I want to be able to be as hardcore as my dad and mom when I am their age. I want an active lifestyle. And I am willing to work for it.

Okay. This wasn't meant to be a workout post. But...you all know how I am on tangents...I believe that my students are catching on to that as well.

The point I am trying to make is make time for what you find important. What I find important and what you find important are going to be different. And that is just fine. As long as you are not wasting your time. I am still working on trying to be better with my time, it is pretty difficult. It is so easy to just sit and watch show after show, but my time is limited. Your time is limited. And if we are judged for our time here on Earth, we cannot afford to waste it. Our limited time is judged with what we make of it.

This also goes with whom I spend my time with. I do not want to spend time with people who are not, this sounds harsh, important to me. I am at the point in my life where I do not have to do things I do not want to, for the most part. So I will chose what I want to do. The only exception of this is when it comes to church things. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there is a lot going on at different times of the week, including and especially Sunday. I am willing to give my time up for the church, for my God. In those cases, it is up to me to change my attitude.

That's how this whole post about time got into my head. I was going to an activity, a Sunday dinner put on by my church, and I was walking there alone. It kind of made me mad that my friends and peers did not come. This event was sponsored and prepared by the people we go to church with every Sunday. The least we could do is support them for a quick bite to eat. It is a simple act that I do not understand why people do not support. Sure, it may take a half hour out of your schedule. Yes, the food might not be great. And of course, you might be sitting by yourself at a table. But that point is that you support. You are telling people that the time they spent in preparing the dinner or activity was well worth it. Maybe it is just me, but I feel that if you are able to go to an activity, you go. Change your attitude. Maybe change into your big girl panties. Just go. Because that time, dedicated to supporting someone who is trying to serve you, is time well spent.


As I was walking, I also was thinking about my time and how much I dedicate it to the Lord. The answer I came up with was too little. I need to shift things around in my schedule to include Him more. I do not want a graph to come up at the end of my timed existence with social media or tv towering over my time spent dedicated to Him.  That would be a very depressing graph.

So go out there. Spend your time wisely, because you will not get this time back. Ever. Our timed test on Earth will end. And when it does. What kind of graph do you want to see?

As my grandpa Turley says:

 "Time flies, but remember you are the navigator."


*I think this is the quote? may not be exact...but the meaning is the same.

the conclusion...

The long awaited conclusion to Mr. Popper's story is finally here. Sort of. It has been a while since it all happened, so I only have some basics. Let's throwback to old blog post structure: bullet points!

but before that. here is some background info. we kissed. on a Saturday. that lasted a weekish. he told me, after a night of conoodling, that he was going to go on another date with another girl the next Saturday. we will call her Missy. in all fairness, I thought that would be ok. that is what dating is. Saturday rolls around. I was not ok. at all. I felt sick. the next day, he was being so nice. like doing my dishes, but I felt sick. so Sunday night, the day after his date with the other girl, a week after we first kissed, we talked.

• I said "I don't know how I feel"
• he said "me neither"
• I said "but I know I don't like you going out with other girls, but I don't want to be exclusive"
• he said "yes. that's what we agreed on"
• I said "I realize that I cannot handle thinking of you on dates with other girls. I compare myself to them and that is not good for me. it makes me doubt myself. but I don't feel that I like you enough to be exclusive. and well I guess that means that it the answer. if we both don't know after all the time we spent together...I think that is the answer. we should stop"
• he said "is this going to affect me getting invited to things"
• I kid you not. that is what he said. right after what I said.
• being nice, I said "no, I will be fine with it"
• he said "good. what I wanted out of this was a best friend. like someone I can talk to about stuff we talk about. could we still talk like that?"
• ok...and with benefits?
• I said "well, I have enough friends. I don't need more. I want people I can date. I do not want to waste my energy, time, and emotions on another friend. I cannot go that in-depth with a new friend. because I cannot give that much of myself away. it is already hard enough to do that in general"
• he said "that is fair"

*that was the gist of what was said. idk exactly how it was said.

and that's it. he left, taking a cookie before walking out the door. and I cried. I am not particularly sure why I cried. I know that I was mourning a loss. I was losing a friend. I knew I wasn't going to hang out with him anymore. but I also thought I was crying because I was proud for standing up for myself. I was able to learn form my experience from the Merman. I stopped something before it could hurt me as much as it hurt me with the Merman. and I only stopped something because it felt right. it wasn't worth it to potentially be hurt. that's also how I knew that this was the right decision.

so. after that Sunday. we still had a Halloween party we had to go to together. it was a murder mystery and coupled theme. him and I were a couple. luckily, I was a religious zealot. so I could be snippy and weird and have an excuse to not touch him. it was actually pretty fun. Brandon was also there, so I had him to lean on. Halloween was on Friday. so he goes on a date with Missy, from the week before, the night before Halloween. they kissed. woo hoo.

flash forward to Saturday. day after our Halloween extravaganza. he went on a date with another rando. and then I think Missy again...but not sure. I am not a stalker.

Sunday morning. Facebook official with Missy.

glad I got out and made way for their happiness.

I feel like I should provide a disclaimer. I am not bitter. more so, I am happy that I did what I needed to do. he was not right for me and I him.

this experience was worth it. even though it sucked. I learned that I can and should always voice my opinions. it is not worth questioning a situation or comparing at the cost of trying to 'go with the flow'. my life is just that. it is mine. I should not settle for anything that is less than what I desire.

and I won't.

 

p.s. I think the best is how he told me he was in a relationship. before I saw it on fbook, he gave me and my friend, Erin, a ride home from church. her and I were engrossed in singing a song and out of nowhere he says, "so I have a girlfriend now." we both stopped singing and just said that's great then went straight back to singing. haha it sounds kinda rude of us...but the way he said it was just out of left field.